S2E2: Coffee with Gabi! When "Doing Everything You Can" is Actually Harmful...
Have you ever been given advice about something important, and you tried to follow that advice to a T?
Maybe it was to help you get a promotion at work, complete a specific project, achieve a certain goal, or parent a special needs child.
It was that last one for me. I got advice from many professionals as I was trying to navigate parenting my son who had a trauma history and needed immense help with his mental health, emotional regulation, and ability to have healthy attachment. I did everything I could to follow the advice they gave me...even when it became clear that it was becoming harmful for me.
Want to know what happened? Or can you relate to this feeling? Listen to the episode to hear what happened and how I got through it. And remember that your healing matters.
Thank you for listening! If you're enjoying the show, please take a moment to rate and review - it helps soooo much!!
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(TRANSCRIPT) S2E2: Coffee with Gabi! When “Doing Everything You Can” is Actually Harmful…
Note: Transcript is created by AI. Please excuse any errors.
[00:00:00] Hey friends, it's been a few weeks, but I am so ready to have some coffee with you again. So I hope that you'll be able to pause this episode for a moment. Go get your favorite cup of coffee or tea if you're a tea person, cuz I know a lot of you are. And sit down. Pull up a chair and we can have a little virtual coffee date together for today's Coffee with Gabby episode of Pain to Passion Live.
Let me tell you a little story. I've told bits and pieces of this and I'm sure more will come out, but right now this part of this story is feeling very profound to me. I remember. This season of my life, just a few years ago, my kids were very small and I did not want to go on living. [00:01:00] It's just a fact.
Living was way too painful. I remember driving across a bridge regularly and thinking how easy it would be to drive off the side of that bridge. It's intense. I know it's very intense, but here's the thing. I almost always had two little people in two little car seats in the back of my car, and they were worth living for.
They were my world. But here's the other thing. One of those kids, Had a lot of special needs because of his early childhood trauma history. There were a lot of things that he needed in order for his brain to rewire for healthy connection. So as I started to find professional help for him, I [00:02:00] kept getting this message of you need to parent him in this specific way, in this compassionate and connected way.
You need to do it very intentionally and very specifically, and put your feelings aside and do this for him. Otherwise, he's not gonna be okay. Now what Good mom is gonna listen to that advice and not try everything in her power to do what she's told to do in order to make sure that her child is okay.
So that's what I did guys, and that's a whole story in and of itself of what that looked like. I learned a lot of really wonderful things, but the fact was that the standard and the pressure that was put on me to be perfect for my child was so intense, and I was expected to give him compassion and connection that I had never, [00:03:00] ever experienced before in my life.
How is a sup? How is a person supposed to give something to someone that they've never received? Like. Is that even possible? I think by the grace of God it is, and I was successful to an extent, but all of this pressure would build up inside of me until I'd explode or I'd completely shut down. I remember a day specifically where, I had to go through something with my children, and it was before my husband left for work in the morning, and by the time he was supposed to be leaving for work, I was curled up in the fetal position on my bed and I could not move.
He had to stay home from work that day because I was dying. I was dying. This was physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally [00:04:00] taking absolutely everything out of me because I was giving from a reserve that I did not ever have. Ultimately, long story short, it came to a breaking point. And we had to make some hard decisions.
And at that breaking point, that's when things really began to change because it was in that moment when I realized I could not go on that I started to prioritize myself. That was not something I had ever learned to do, not something I had ever been taught to do. In fact, I had been raised to believe that you do everything for everyone else, and that's how you live life if you want to be a godly human being.
But it was so upside down. It was so not the way that things are intended to be. And. I had no [00:05:00] choice at that point. It was either get myself the help that I need and love myself enough to take care of me or watch as I and my family completely disintegrated. So that's what I did. I. So much intentionality went into me taking care of myself into finding a therapist who could actually help me in creating boundaries with my children that I had felt.
Not permissible before, but I had new people helping me and helping me see life through a lens that was realistic and helping me see a life through a lens that included everyone in my family, not just my son, but all of us, and how all of us getting the help that we need was ultimately going to be the thing that my son needed the most.
[00:06:00] So I did, and I have been, and I'm learning. I'm continuing to learn to allow the connection and the compassion that I need to give to my children for them to be healthy and well. I'm learning to receive that from others, and I'm learning to give it to myself, to love myself enough to take care of me. And do you know what happens when you do that?
When you choose to prioritize your health and your healing? Those things that you really need to do to take care of the relationships around you, or if you're a special needs mom like me to take care of your special child who needs extra care. It starts coming from an overflow in your heart because you have been giving that to yourself.
You have been allowing others to give that to you. You've been accessing [00:07:00] resources for you first and allowing those resources to fill your cup and give you what you need. That's been the catalyst for change in my family. Beyond what I could have ever tried to grit my teeth and pull out on my own. Maybe.
Maybe I could have done a quote, good enough job so that when my kids leave the nest, they would be somewhat okay, but I wouldn't and. If I'm not okay, are my kids really okay? Because kids feel that, right? The people around you feel that. I really believe that we need to start seeing life through a different lens where we take care of ourselves in such a way that we can start operating out of [00:08:00] overflow, not out of lack.
I hope that resonates with someone today, because I'm sure there's someone out there who you are. You're so good. You're doing everything you can to do the right thing, but what a relief it would be if the right thing ended up not being something you check off a checklist, but something that comes naturally out of the overflow of your heart because you are well.
You deserve to be well, my friend. You deserve to take care of yourself. The people around you need it too. So look in the mirror and ask yourself, what can I do for you today, babe? Go do that thing. Pursue your healing. It's those breaking points where you know that you can't go on anymore, that will show you that there's a better way.
But you don't [00:09:00] have to get to the breaking point. You can listen to these words and know that you're burning out and start to shift, shift your perspective, and focus back on what you need for you so that you can give the people around you what they need as well. You're amazing and you're worth it. Thank you for being here.
If you need help with this or you need a safe space to just rest your heart and tell your story, please go check out my website and set up a free connection call with me and we can talk about the possibility of coaching together. I have a few slots available and it would be such a joy and such an honor to walk with you through your own journey.
If you go to my website, gabby ruth.com, I'll also put this in the show notes, but go to the book of one-on-one call page and you'll see something pop up for a free connection call where we can chat and see where you're at. Okay. [00:10:00] Um, don't lose this opportunity. Once the spots are booked, they're booked, and I would love to be able to help you in whatever area of your life that you find yourself in right now, and move forward in health and wholeness together.
I'll talk to you guys next time on Tuesday. We have an incredible guest. I cannot wait to introduce you. Until then, take care of yourselves, have your favorite coffee. Have a wonderful weekend, and I'll talk to you soon.