Episode 39: How Do We Move Forward After Immense Loss? - Morgan Cheek
I feel so honored to be sharing Morgan Cheek’s story with you all on today’s episode of Pain to Passion Live!
Morgan is an incredible human who I’m so grateful to have met in the wilds of Instagram. Her story has moved me deeply on so many levels, and I know it will move you as well.
On this episode we talked about Morgan’s beautiful twin daughters, Bailey Grace and Ally, who were born with a very rare disease and who left this earth at the ages of 6 and 7. We talk about how their lives changed Morgan and the way she sees the world and about the beauty of just being and knowing you are loved exactly as you are.
Morgan also shared how she’s changed since losing the girls - how it’s made her look hard at her life and want to live more freely and authentically. It’s caused her to see God in a new light and realize that a life of performance is not a life lived fully awake and alive. To be known, loved, authentic, and free is how life is meant to be lived.
I’m so incredibly inspired by Morgan and her faith. It’s humbling and encouraging to see someone who has been through the very worst of grief still clinging to Jesus and choosing to live so fully. Be so blessed and strengthened as you listen to this interview, my friends!!
And as always, please rate and review the podcast so this story and others can reach more people! Thank you so much!
More About Morgan:
Morgan Cheek is the author of three books, the latest being Even In Darkness- a modern-day Psalms that gives the reader the opportunity to have an honest conversation with God and themselves about the hard spaces in life. She is the co-owner of WinMo Fitness, an online fitness company that specializes in fitness programming, nutrition coaching, and coaching accountability. Morgan has her Masters in Social Work; and WinMo Fitness also partners with studios and retreat centers to do conferences that focus on the mind/body connection and how trauma and stress can be tremendously helped with the power of movement. Morgan is married to Hugh and has three children- two in heaven (Bailey Grace (6) and Ally (7) ) and one on earth (James, who was adopted from China at the age of 7 and is now 11). Morgan is passionate about helping people believe they are already loved and accepted by God as is- and she longs to help others understand how to live their best, authentic lives in the midst of all seasons. She’s an endurance athlete who loves any kind of physical challenge. You won’t ever come to her house without finding several candles lit- and probably her latest baking project, too.
Connect with Morgan:
Latest book - Even in Darkness
Instagram - @seedsandleaven and @winmofitness
Connect with Gabi:
Instagram - @gabiruth
TikTok - @gabiruth84
Facebook - facebook.com/gabiruth84
Website - gabiruth.com
Coach with Gabi - gabiruth.com/book-a-1on1-call
Invite Gabi to Speak - gabiruth.com/speaking
(TRANSCRIPT) Ep. 39: How Do We Move Forward After Immense Loss? Morgan Cheek
Note: Transcript is created by AI. Please excuse any errors.
Gabi: Hey, beautiful friends. Welcome back to Pain to Passion Live. I'm so excited because I get to talk with my new friend Morgan today, who I met on Instagram. I don't even know how we connected on Instagram. I don't remember.
Morgan: I reached out to you. You had posted something that really resonated with me within the, that's.
I don't know all things faith, which I'm sure we'll get into at some point. And so I, I think I reached out to you, but yeah, please. Yeah. Definitely, definitely share a lot of similar thoughts. I think so,
Gabi: yes. I've definitely sensed a kindred spirit in you for sure. And today I didn't know that we were doing a podcast interview, so I just like to share these stories because it's like so real life.
I was sitting actually in the parking lot of Starbucks. Perfect. And I got a message from Morgan like, Hey, where's the link for the Zoom? I'm like, oh no. Or are we supposed to have. Episode and something glitched with my Calendly and all that to say I ran home cuz I wanted to make this happen. And she's been gracious enough to be like, yeah, let's do it a few minutes late.
And I'm excited because usually when things are random like that, Something beautiful comes out of it. So I am looking forward to this conversation and Morgan, for all of us, because I don't know you that well at this point either, and I'm excited to get to know you better. But can you just tell us like a little bit about who you are, where you are, and what you're about?
Morgan: Yeah. Uh, it's, it's so funny. I had to write out my bio for a podcast last week and just like, You'll know this, the more you get to know this conversation. Those of you who are listening, I have partially been forced. Partially it's just who I am. I, I'm, I have to be honest and real and authentic. And so I'll say that like I can give you some very resume, like, uh, things that I do right now.
My personal life is very messy at this moment, and so, The bio is tricky at this moment. Yeah. And so I'll say that, uh, well, I'll just say it. I, so I'm married to Hugh. Um, we are actually currently separated right now, so we are not living together, which is just a part of where we're at in the story. Um, and we have three children.
We have James, who lives on this side of heaven. He is 11. We adopted him at seven and a. James has a mild cerebral palsy. He's from China and he again has been home for about four years. We also have our daughters, Bailey Grace and Allie Bailey. Grace died at six. In July 13th, 2019, and Allie died at seven and a half December 16th, 2020.
And so the girls were twins. They had a rare non hereditary disease called HEC W two. They are the only set of twins known in the world. Wow. To have this disease and essentially, uh, That story is a whole episode in itself, uh, that I'm gonna open book with, but it's just too many details to name. But the summary of it is that they got diagnosed at two and a half.
Um, and then we recognize their variant as progressive over time. And so, of course, Bailey Grace, the way that their brain and testing connection works, their intestines just ultimately shut down. Um, food. Food and their brain. We're not compatible. And so Bailey Grace, uh, died 17 months before Allie died.
And Allie's journey we sort of knew was coming, right? And so it's kind of a slow. Nightmare to death's door as we sort of just watched her fade away. Wow. Because once we had gone through it once, we kind of knew what we knew, and so there were gifts there in that we allowed Bailey Grace to be a good teacher in how to keep Allie most comfortable.
But there were also just a lot of, there's just a lot of trauma. There's a lot of trauma there, and, um, a lot to unpack. And so again, that happened December 16th, 2020 and since then, I am a writer. I had two books out prior to the girls passing away. Now I have a third book out. Um, that's more of like a modern day Psalms.
And my journey career-wise has sort of stayed the same and also shifted. So I still write and I still speak. And I also am an ASM certified personal trainer, and I have a business with my business partner, Wynn. We have a business called WiMo Fitness. It is online. For people that we work with all over the world and we do more holistic health.
So we really try to combine physical and mental health. Uh, also I'm a master's in social work and so I try to combine that aspect of things as we help people sort of individually get to the healthiest versions of themselves when it comes to movement and nutrition. Um, and really their mental health too, because it's all connected.
So, uh, that. That's kind of a bio for you. Uh, there's a lot more in there with that gives you sort of a synopsis, I guess, of, of kind of who I am.
Gabi: Yeah, I mean, every single piece of that is like a large story in and of itself, right?
Morgan: It is. That's why it's hard. It's like I feel like it's, uh, I don't wanna say insulting to God, but a little bit if I don't include all those different aspects because they are, I mean, they're.
Very large pieces of mm-hmm. Of who I believe I was created to be. Mm-hmm. Um, and they're also very nuanced, right? I mean, they're, they're very, Everything in my life right now is shifting and changing and breaking and healing, and it's all just one big pile. Mm um, of really pretty pieces, but just messy pieces too.
Yeah.
Gabi: Yeah, absolutely. And I think really honestly, if we all take a look at our lives, we can relate to that in some way, shape, or form. Absolutely. Obviously, your story has had some extreme things happen that most of us don't understand. We probably will never face, but at the same time, just. Idea that suffering comes into our lives unexpectedly, and there are so many things that change in us and about our lives as we move along.
I actually. Just recorded a podcast episode where I was talking about how my dreams have changed completely. Hmm. From when I was younger to now, which I'm sure you can relate to just because life happens. But as life happens, you also become this person, right. That you are now, which you probably never would've imagined before.
But I would, I would love to just hear a little bit like, who was that Morgan? Before you had children, did you, did you have this dream of being a mom? Was that like always a thing on your heart or how did that process happen?
Morgan: I love this because I was telling someone the other day at the risk of sounding really trendy, I relate more to Child Morgan now then.
I ever have, and I think that's a good sign. Yeah. Um, I, I really like the whole inner child thing. Like I really, I really relate to like child Morgan. I feel like I'm sort of coming back into that and Yeah. So I mean, Morgan, before the girls was free spirited, I kind of beat to my own drum my whole life.
And that's, that's a huge part of my faith journey in general is that. I felt very connected to God from a young age, just very organically, authentically. Um, but also in turn didn't really feel like I fit in the small town southern Evangelical box mm-hmm. Of Christianity. That was sort of the brand that was around me and so, I wrestled a lot with just like wanting to make my dad a K God proud.
At the risk of sounding cringey. I know some people like some, there's some Christian phrases, like when people say like, daddy God, that I'm like, oh, you know, I feel like that was like, that was one of those moments for some people, but for me it really was. It was like, man, I want to make just organically who I am, wants to make my creator proud.
Mm-hmm. And also, I'm a real, I'm really afraid that some pieces of who I am don't make him proud. Mm-hmm. And are more my, you know, quotation flesh. And so what do I do? Do I hide those pieces? Do I just try to pray 'em away? Do I push 'em away? And in this season, what I think I'm finding is that I'm owning those pieces.
Mm-hmm. And the result of that has been a love and acceptance and security in who I am and, and in who God says I am, like I've never had before. Um, but it's brave work. It, it's scary to say. Hey, this is who I thought that I was supposed to be. And unconsciously and subconsciously as someone who says that I'm a really authentic person.
And I think I was, I think I was, I think I was being as true to myself as I knew how to be for sure. Um, but, but just, you know, woundings from myself and other people and, and just life kind of had me in a place where I really felt like people liked the churchy version of me. More like they. The Morgan that sit on the stage in the conservative outfits and used all the right scriptures and talked to people about God's goodness and really hard things, the Morgan that drove the minivan and pulled the wheelchairs out of said minivan and you know, was meek and mild and just a helper and, and those things in, in a season.
Were roles that I played, but ultimately are not really personality wise who I am. I'm, I'm pretty domineering and, and have an opinion on everything and blunt and loud and always have something to say and wanna share. And, uh, like wearing crop tops working out. Like, there's just things that I felt like Morgan couldn't be that, that once Allie.
I realized very quickly that I could not, and I don't, you can bleep me if you need to. Like I couldn't bullshit with God anymore. Like literally if we were gonna have a real relationship moving forward, I had to show up as my full self with my full story and trust that that was okay. And I've been doing that since December 17th, 2020.
And, The Morgan before the girls, ironically, is now the Morgan that I'm seeing, if that makes sense. Like, but she's been hidden for a while and so I'm just discovering even I'm, I'm learning how to own who I am. I'm learning, you know, again, I'm a free spirit. I like the deep, serious things of the world, but I also am pretty dang goofy and like to have fun and like really good food.
Enjoy a glass of red wine and you know, fitness is very important to me and there are just things that I used to consider of this world. Mm-hmm. If that makes sense. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But now I'm just considering like being present and fully alive to where God has me. Uh, hopefully that makes some, yeah. Some sort of sense.
Gabi: No, I'm like smiling inside and out because that just made me so happy. Hmm. Um, I love, like even you just used the phrase fully alive, that's like my favorite phrase, my. For the longest time, my favorite quote has been, the glory of God is Man, fully alive by St. Irenaeus. And even when I first learned that quote, I didn't really understand what it meant, but I, I continue to see people like you who around me are like just unfolding.
It's like I've had enough of fake like. Life is real. Let's be real. And let's allow God to show himself fully through who he's created us to be. So I just think that's beautiful. Um, and you obviously went through a lot of pain to get to this point. The before and the after. Um, so I would love for you to just tell us like about the girls and who they were and how they changed your life and impacted this whole journey.
Cuz I'm sure like that in between time with them here, there were a lot of different roles that you played. Like you even mentioned, like getting the wheelchairs out of the minivan. That's not a role. Many of us listeners are going to be playing in our lives, but Right. There was a piece of you that was like, this is, this is who I am and Yeah.
Yeah. Just tell us more about that.
Morgan: Yeah. I mean, I was in my lane when I was the mother of the girls, and the irony, not so, irony of that was, It was a role. Obviously, I, I never knew existed and I, and I never would've chosen. But once I did it and was in it, I felt very myself in that, in that role. It's, mm-hmm.
So again, the girls, uh, Healthy pregnancy, healthy birth. I always tell people, I mean I, for kids that had a brain intestine issue, I breastfed twins for seven months. So like there was no inclination really of much going on until the girls were about six months old and they weren't hitting developmental milestones.
And so we decided that we just kind of wait and see, um, but start early intervention, et cetera. And then, About nine-ish months, it really shifted to where, okay, now they're not meeting any milestones really at all. Mm-hmm. Something's going on. So we went to the neurologist then and um, essentially started the testing process for the hundreds of bajillions of genetic diseases that are out there.
And I, I think a vulnerable thing about that. And you know, I would imagine at some point someone who has a child with a hereditary. Genetic disease will listen to this. And so I, I really wanna be sensitive and make this clear that the vulnerable part of the genetic process is that a lot of diseases are hereditary.
Mm-hmm. And a lot of us are carrying around these mutations and diseases that we do pass on to our children. That we have no control over, um, that are not our fault. And so when I say it's non hereditary, I guess I wanna put my pride down in being honest and saying that feels good to say. Mm-hmm. Um, feels good to say we didn't carry that, that wasn't from us.
You know, that was, but the reality is if you're listening to this and your child has a hereditary. That's not on you either. Yeah. Yeah. So I just, I, I, I, sometimes I think I fail to acknowledge that and I just wanna recognize my own pride and, and, and immaturity really, and having to always say it was non hereditary.
Um, but the vulnerable part of that process is that you are, they're testing you and your spouse, um, and other kids if you have 'em for all these different diseases that you really never knew existed. Um, and it's sort of stripping you. Of, I mean, I think it has the potential to make you really cynical of the world because you recognize like, gosh, there are just so many people walking around with perfectly normal, whatever that means.
Healthy kids that have absolutely no idea of all that could have gone wrong. Yeah. In their pregnancy, and then they're just bebopping around living their lives. Meanwhile, we're getting stuck every few. You know, checking off boxes of things that it isn't trying to figure out what it is. And so, wow. Um, we finally got diagnosed by the National Institute of Health.
They were studying rats in Sweden, and they recognized a mutation that hadn't been known as a disease that came up on our girls and five other kids. So they did a case study and it was the very first case study they'd ever done and sort of determined that heck, W two was the cause of the girl's disability.
And so, That was when the girls were about two and a half, and we obviously still didn't know a ton, and it was seven kids. We didn't really know a trajectory. Mm-hmm. About their lives. At that point, we had just decided to get feeding tubes. We had just determined we were probably in our wheelchairs, so we were realizing that their disability was significant, but we didn't really know what that was going to mean for their lives.
Yeah. And a lot of our days prior to. The girls turning six. That's really when things shifted for Bailey Grace. And that's really when her brain started shutting down and things just, she just wasn't herself anymore. But there were years of the girls' lives where yes, they had feeding tubes and trouble with digestion and there'd be a lot of vomit and there was some seizures from time to time, but they were ultimately present and engaged and happy.
And even though they weren't not, or weren't, they weren't verbal, um, they would. You know, we could make eye contact when we walked in the room and they would smile at people they knew and they would give us hugs and high fives and babble. And they just loved the simple things of life. They loved just being around the people that they loved, and their personalities were very different.
Bailey Grace was more quiet, soft spoken. I always tell people she's more like my husband. Um, didn't really require. Like being the center of attention in any room. She just wanted to be loved on and just mm-hmm. You know, and, and just with, uh, and then Allie was sassy and opinionated and wanted to know what was going on in the room.
And, you know, she would, we would, I'd pick him up from school and Allie would still have her bow and her shoes on, and she would look all like crim and proper and Bailey Grace's ears all over her face. She's got DRL running down her mouth, no shoes. Like she was just, Not into, you know, the sass and the, and the, the sweet like Allie was, but um, they were just great and they taught us to enjoy, I mean, it sounds so cliche, but they really taught us to enjoy the simple things in life they taught us to enjoy.
Um, Just sitting in a hammock on a, a good weather day because they couldn't, their body didn't regulate temperature well, so it was really hot, like couldn't be outside long. It was a good temperature day. We'd sit in a hammock and they would just babble seeing is what we called it to themselves, and that's all we did.
And that's all we had to do. Mm-hmm. We didn't have a schedule, we didn't have an agenda, we didn't have to be at t-ball games or this event. And it was just a very simple way of living. And our weekends were spent prior to adopting James, just the four of us doing that. Going on walks, maybe like getting wild and like taking them to dinner with their feeding tubes and you know, sitting, you know, if we could find a table where the four of us would fit.
It was just such a simple life and we had, I had one focus and that was keeping them alive. Mm-hmm. That was literally like, that was my life's focus for almost eight years, was keeping them alive. They had, their seizure activity was present during the day, but it was very frequent at night. Mm-hmm. And so they weren't on the same schedule with seizures, so you didn't sleep.
I mean, we would Wow. Lay down. And one would wake up having a seizure and they'd. So go clean 'em up, calm 'em down, change the bedsheets, start the laundry, lay down about 30 minutes later, the other one might wake up like, wow, all night long. You know? And so I didn't leave survival mode and I was fine with it, but I didn't leave survival mode for years and I didn't sleep for years.
And I didn't think about exercising for years or fueling my body well, or what my face looked like. I mean, I laugh, I'm like, I feel like I got younger. When the girls died. Mm-hmm. Because I like slept. You know, I slept and I ate and I did some things, but again, wouldn't trade it right for the world. Mm-hmm.
Wouldn't trade it for the world.
Gabi: Yeah. Wow. Thank you so much for sharing all of that. And the girls are so beautiful. Thank you. Like ire love. I, I'm so grateful that you took so many pictures and videos of them because they're just magical. They're magical girls. So beautiful. Like, I, I saw the video, it's gonna make me cry, but I saw the video, um, I don't remember which girl it was, but you were driving in the car and the wind was just like in.
Oh my gosh, the sweetness.
Morgan: Well, they were so beautiful and people and anyone listening to this that knew them is nodding their head. They were addictive to be around. Oh, they were addictive to be around. We, I would've friends have a hard day and call and just say, Hey, can I just come and snuggle with the girls?
Like, because being around them was just sacred. And you knew it. Mm-hmm. And, and I think that was one of the more remarkable parts about the gift of being their mom was that I will never, and I mean this is like a side note too, but I think one of the reasons why, even though I do have questions and doubts, and I certainly don't wrap it all up in a bow, and there's things that I'm very pissed with God about with the, with the story.
In. That being said, I think one of the things that keeps me grounded in God's goodness is the reality that I got to be their mom. Like mm-hmm. I don't deserve the gift of being Allie and Bailey Grace's mom. I don't deserve to help sh like shoulder and advocate for them and share their story and have the impact on people that their lives have.
That was undeserved and I get to do that. And so I, I'm just, that, that's a gift that I will never, ever understand why, you know, I got, I got that gift, but I, but it did and I'm so grateful for it. Yeah.
Gabi: That's beautiful. It really is beautiful and their lives continue to impact people and I just love that.
And I love that you just were able to, Enjoy like that simple season with them. It's really beautiful. I think a lot of us can get takeaways from that. Like even with me, I'm like, I don't wanna get too busy. Mm-hmm. With the kids, because they're just. Children for a while and then it's over. Right. You know, so it makes me too just wanna soak in all of the little sweet, simple moments of like, my daughter likes to play.
What's your high and low of the day? Just sitting around the table. I love that. And what's your high and low of the day? You know? Yeah. It's so simple. But those are the best moments.
Morgan: Um, just so cozy. Yeah. Yeah. When Allie, when we knew that Allie. Was gonna be actively dying soon. It was right around Christmas time and we knew she probably wasn't gonna make it to Christmas, and she died, she'd last.
She honestly lasted longer than we thought. She didn't die till the 16th of December, but starting November, we put up Christmas lights and then our neighbors put up Christmas lights and then, oh, the community heard about it and put up Christmas lights. And then honestly, like not to exaggerate the world, heard about it, and people just started.
Putting up Christmas lights and we were hearing from Corey Asbury, Kristen Bell, like all these random people. Wow. And it felt like a movie. And also in the midst of that, I mean, and this is, it's kind of what we were talking about before we started, but you know, I had liked the idea of being able to share our story and make an impact in my books to be known.
And, uh, but Allie's dying in the midst of that. And so, We got a call from like the b abc, like not local abc, but like the b abc and they wanted to do a special on our family and come in and, and we just didn't know how many more days we had left with her and so I didn't even ask. I probably should asked other people, but should have asked you, but I didn't ask anybody else.
I literally just on the phone just said, Hey, I don't think so. And it was, I mean, it, again, as cliche as it sounds, it really was a moment where I was. This is what matters. Mm-hmm. Like people, the people in front of your face. Mm-hmm. Those are the people that matter, like mm-hmm. The, this other stuff that seems flashy and glamorous and that, yeah.
It can be exciting for a minute when you have your child dying in front of you. That really doesn't matter. Like you just wanna spend time with your kid. Mm-hmm. The beautiful part of all that was, you know, people got to tell Allie by, we didn't, some people got to tell Bailey Grace by, but one of the things that I always say, Bailey Grace was the best teacher for her sister because she taught us how to love Allie well during that time and, uh, I was just very determined to let the people who had loved Ali well and who had loved her so much, Have a time where they told her bye and, and where they told I to cry now, but where they told her what she meant to them.
Wow. And having the privilege as a mom of watching, you know, it wasn't, we didn't let everybody in, but watching. 20 or 30 people come to your house and sit with your seven year old and tell her what an impact she had made on their life. Like, wow, that's priceless. Wow. And I, I just, they would leave and every time I would look at her and I would just say, I am so proud of who you are.
Like, she just, they just impacted so many people just by being who they were. Mm. And that's also something I hope that, that people listening can hear is, It doesn't take much to impact somebody, but what it does take is being yourself. Yeah. And that, that's the brave, that's the brave work that a lot of us push back on so often, um, in a world that, that sort of has expectations or plans maybe on who they think we are.
But the gift of offering ourselves is, is why my girls made such an impact. Because they just were who they were. They just were who they were, and they allowed the person in front of. To be exactly who they were too. And it, it changed the world. It changed the people in front of them.
Gabi: Wow. Yeah. That'll teach man.
Morgan: Yeah.
Gabi: I mean, yeah, that's, that's pretty extraordinary. And it totally goes back to what you're saying about how you're seeing like the young you come back now, which really. I think when we tap into like that inner child like you're talking about, um, we become just like you said, more authentically us.
Yeah. And when we start to be able to strip away that performance, like it's so healing and liberating, but we really struggle to do. Don't we?
Morgan: Yes, and I think, I think particularly, and I guess I feel this way because it, it's my background, but I think that, you know, as a Christian, I'm not sure where performance.
Like, it's just hysterical to me that that, because it's the exact opposite of the gospel. Right. And it's like the thing that we, we can't stop trying to do is perform when God himself is like, no. Like it's, it's not about your performance. And we're like, cool, cool. We're gonna still try to perform. Yeah.
But, and that just shows just how imperfectly human we are, you know, human. We are and beautifully human when we are too. But I. I feel this sense of, I mean, even when it comes to theology and questions, I used to have conversations with people and if they had differing opinions than me, felt like it was really my role.
Hmm. To sort of give them my knowledge and wisdom and lead them in the right direction. And now I'm just enjoying the mystery. Of the more capital m that God is like. I don't know where you're supposed to be in your journey. I have absolutely no idea how God wants to draw you closer to himself. I don't know, you know, if the theology that I hold true to my heart and which I, I do think it's important, like you need to know what you believe personally.
Yeah. Like, you, you need to explore that and wrestle with that and, and think through that. That's important. And then after you've done that, it's like, it's not your, it's not my job to sort of usher you into my beliefs. Like those are, those are true to me right now. I, I don't know. I've just, I guess I've just shifted.
It's so much more of a comfortable space to just enjoy other people. Yeah. Instead of making other people projects. Totally. And it also makes me feel like less of a project to God when I live that way. Absolutely. And that's more restful too. So I think that's being more like a child, you know? I mean, I think children don't, you know, they're not children who live freely, at least are not concerned about anything that they say.
Live life and say it and, and find security there. And so, mm-hmm. As we grow up, whatever that means, and I still don't feel like a grownup. I'm like, at what point, at what point do we feel like grownups, you know? I dunno. I think it's amazing. My grandmother, my grandmother at 94 still said she didn't feel like a grownup.
And that sort of settled it to me. I was like, okay, well I'm just gonna be a kid.
But it, but it's funny, I mean this is such a side note, but like with our own kids, I think it's funny. You know, like a storm comes at night and we like put on this big, like, everything's gonna be fine. But then that little kid inside of us is like, I mean, what is it?
You know, like, but, but yeah, I'll tell you, I think everything's gonna be fine. And it's just mm-hmm. I don't know. It's funny. But no, I do think that like, yeah, I just, I've just found a lot of rest in the mystery of who God is and who I am and what that's gonna look like moving forward. Kind of settling in to just sort of be along for the ride instead of trying, trying to drive the car in the direction I thought it was going to go.
Yeah. Cause it's definitely not going that direction. We, but like it has derailed off that path a while ago.
Gabi: Mm-hmm. Totally. Yeah, I can relate to that hundred percent. And you mentioned earlier, like there are areas. You've been pissed at God. Yeah. Like, and I, I love the realness of that because I know I have been there and I, sometimes I even, I think about your story.
Cause I'm like, I'm so mad about this situation right now. And it's like nothing compared to which, you know, we don't wanna compare, but still. Right. I hear you Dave. Uh, it's very encouraging to see you still loving Jesus. Even though I'm sure there are moments where you're still angry, there are moments when you have been angry.
For anyone listening who has been to that place of despair or like what in the world? You're not acting like I thought you would act. This isn't going at all like I'd expect according to your promises, what the heck is happening? Like what has that process looked like for you to continue moving forward in faith?
Morgan: Yeah, I mean, I feel like I tell this story, I feel like I tell this story too much. And so it's like I always hesitate to tell it again because I'm like, I don't want people to be like, I literally hear her tell the story every time, but it's important someone tell again. Um, because it was pivotal for me.
So a few days before Allie died, she had already been without fluids for like, I don't know, 12 days or something crazy like that. Wow. And one of the only things I'd asked from God in the whole thing, which felt very. Faithful of me. In my mind it's like, this is all I'm asking of him. Like, that feels was that the death process would be easier than it had been with Bailey Grace.
Because when Bailey Grace died, um, it, we couldn't get her pain under control. It was nine days, which felt like a really long time, like. And I was just like, please let it be shorter. Well, it couldn't have been anything. It couldn't have been anything more than the opposite of that. Like it was just dragging out.
Wow. She was a skeleton. It was awful. It was awful. And she hadn't been in pain for a couple days, which that was the thing I was kind of holding onto is like, but she hasn't been in pain. That's good. And we were laying next to her. I mean, you don't really sleep when your kid's dying. I don't, I mean, you luckily there just listening to your kid breathe and mm-hmm.
We're laying there next to her and suddenly she wakes up. And there is no way to describe it unless you've been around a dying child, which not many, not many people have, but a dying child when you recognize that they're in pain and when it's your child and you can't do anything about it. Shoot me with a gun.
Like, like, I mean, and I don't mean that lightly, like I literally mean like there is nothing worse that I can possibly imagine. And so we call our hospice nurse and we're trying to figure out like, What do we do? She's in pain and I'm, I am so angry on the phone. She's, our hospice nurse is now like a dear friend of mine.
She was with us when both girls died, and I just love her so much and she was with us that entire process, but I'm just angry and so I'm just like yelling at her like, why is this happening? Like what do we give her? Like how do, why is she not knocked out right now? Why is she not brain dead right now?
Like, what? What's happening? Mm-hmm. And Hugh is, my husband is holding all. And he's just like singing under his breath some song that says God is good. And I just feel my blood pressure rising. Like, shut up. Yeah. Like we are sitting here defending this being that is literally killed both of our kids in a torturous way.
And now is doing this like, I don't care if you call it light and momentary or a mystery, I can't underst. This is crazy. Like this is batshit crazy. Mm-hmm. And so I looked at him and just said, stop singing that. You know, it was kind of like, and he could see like she's unraveling, you know, it's like, and so we finally get allie's, pain under control, and we're just sitting there and suddenly for really the first time in my life, I feel my faith just slipping like mm-hmm.
If it's happened to you get that. Like I start to think, I don't know if I believe this anymore. I really don't. I don't know if I can ever believe this to be true after I've seen what I've seen. Like I don't know. And so I just looked at Hugh and I said, I think God is real and I think he's a psychic. And I said it and I kind of looked up like kind of embarrassed, but also kind of like.
What are you gonna do? Strike me with lightning. Sounds good. Mm-hmm. Like, I don't, you know, like, what you got for me? And it freaked me out a lot. Like I'm, I'm an enneagram four, I'm kind of dramatic. And Me too, girl. Oh, there you go. Well, I'd already pictured, like during that whole time, like when I tell the story to a couple of my friends that are not this way, they're like, In that moment you were doing this.
I'm like, oh yeah, my brain has always got a story. And like in that moment I'm literally like thinking like I probably won't speak at her funeral. Like I thought I'm probably not gonna ever speak as a Christian speaker again in my life. Like, I'm like planning my life ahead. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And it scared me.
And so I took my bible, opened it to Lamentations three, which is just basically like a, you know, Cha. Limitation three is basically a chapter saying like, God has beat me to the dust. Um, everybody loves to talk about the one verse that says his nurse, his mercies are new every morning. But the reality is the rest of it is like God has put me in the gravel.
Mm-hmm. He hates me. He's pr. And so I just opened that up cause I was like, I just want you to know, like, this is how I feel. I'm not gonna even read it, but like, this is what I'm gonna, this is what I'm gonna say to you right now. Opened it up and I laid it by my head in my bed and just laid there because.
Felt scared and I texted, I had a, a group text chain with some of my closest friends that I had just been keeping updated and I texted and said in a very dark place, that's all it said. It's just like I'm in a very dark place. And anyway, slept for a few hours and Ally lived through the night and actually four days later, uh, but woke up the next morning and all I wanted to do was sit with.
And like I knew that that was not me. Mm-hmm. There was nothing in me that had made that choice, and I just felt God whisper to my heart. In a firm like, and you know, I've done the whole like goddess hot post, cuz like, I just, it just resonates with me because I'm like, God does some things that are really a assertively hot and he just does.
And I think that's okay. He made hotness like whatever. And it was kind, it was just like a very assertive but kind voice that I just am not voice. I didn't hear an audible voice, but just in my heart that said, my hold's on you. Your hold's not on me. Mm-hmm. Like, it's like almost like, let's get this straight, you know?
And so from that point on, this is how I have lived in. That's just how I've lived. Like his hold is on me. My hold's not on him. I'm living in the freedom that comes from just acknowledging that on a daily basis and letting him be God. Yeah, and it looks different all the time and I. Outwardly, I'm more of a messy person, I would say at this point, whatever that means, but I'm more myself.
Mm-hmm. And I'm starting to believe that that's not me, quote, giving into my flesh or whatever. Yeah. I, I think I'm just being me. Yeah. Um, and I'm a softer person. I'm a more compassionate person. I'm a less judgmental person. I'm a more free person. Like I'm seeing these fruits that I've longed for. Just simply by like resting in that love.
Mm-hmm. And, and, and letting myself be where I'm at and genuinely trusting God to be God. Genuinely trusting that if it really is true that he created me and that he loves me so much and that he's in control. And he's like, if that's really true, after watching my own kids die, if. Anything. I could have done anything if, if God said, all right, you're gonna have to go to the nearby Walmart and like shoot up the whole Walmart, but like, we're gonna let your kids live.
I'd be like, all right, where's the gun? You know? I mean, I literally like, if there was anything I could have done, yeah, I would've done it. And so when I think about that in the context of God and. He's gonna keep me safe. Mm-hmm. Whatever that looks like. And it may not look safe on this side, but like me, my soul, who I am, like there's no, there's nothing to be scared of here.
And yeah. I mean, that's how I've done it. I've just lived in, in the freedom that is love. I've just lived in the freedom. That's love.
Gabi: Hmm. I love that so much. So good. And I think like that's what I want from life too. I, I'm obsessed with the book of Galatians. I don't know if you've spent a lot of time there, but it's like the freedom book where it's all like even Paul says something and I think chapter three is like, you foolish Galatians, who has bewitched you when they're trying to.
Basically prove their holiness. Mm-hmm. And he's like, Jesus already did this. Like, don't rebuild what he already tore down. And I'm like, that's what life needs to be about. Like, like you said, when you, when you said, um, he's holding onto you and you don't have to, you don't have to hold to him cuz he's holding you.
I just had the picture of like the little baby carriers where the kids are just like, their hands and legs are like free, but they're connected to their parent, and I'm like, that, that's, that's how I wanna live with God. Like just alive and free like that. I think that's just beautiful. So thank you for sharing this story.
Oh my goodness. Even, even if you felt like you've shared it a lot. I, it was very impactful and I know a lot of people will be hearing it for the first time, so I really, really appreciate that. Um, I shared a story just last week that was kind of similar where I screamed at the sky. Jesus is a liar. Yeah, and that was a turning point for me for sure.
Morgan: Exactly. Yeah. I mean, you know, like sometimes when we put the layers out, like the real stuff comes out and I think God's like, okay, now, Now we're here. Now we got something.
Gabi: Yeah. Okay. We're being real now. Exactly. There's authenticity. There she is. Yeah,
Morgan: there she's,
Gabi: I know who she was, but there she is. Yeah.
Yeah. So good. Well, my friend, I could talk to you for hours. But I don't wanna spend any more of your time here today. You've spent such a wonderful precious time with me. Um, thank you so much for your vulnerability and for sharing and for letting us hear about the girls next time. I'd love to hear more about James and your adoption and all of that too, cuz that's a whole other story as well.
Morgan: I have a few lives within one life. You totally do. And more come
Gabi: honestly next. Yes. Definitely's what the next one's gonna bring. Definitely. Um, but I feel encouraged and I'm thankful to know you. I would love for people to be able to connect with you. I'll put stuff in the show notes, but if you just wanna share like what's the best way to connect with you.
Morgan: Yeah. So seedsandleaven seedsandleaven is my Instagram. That's really the best way to connect in general winmofitness is my business account. And you know, I always tell people if anything that I said resonated with you, when it comes to just the realm of holistic health, if you need somebody to walk alongside you with that, would love for you to DM me there too.
Um, so those are kind of the best two outlets to.
Gabi: Awesome. Love it. Well, thank you friend. I appreciate you. Absolutely.
Morgan: Thanks for having me. We'll chat soon. Sounds good. Okay. Bye. Bye.