S2E22: Creating Safe Spaces - A Conversation with Tiffany Reese
In this special episode of Pain to Passion Live, I sit down for a heart-to-heart with special guest, Tiffany Reese, host of the award-winning true crime podcast, Something Was Wrong.
We explore the world of genuine human connection, empathy, and resilience. Tiffany's genuine warmth and her powerful ability to create safe spaces have been the driving force behind her her podcast's incredible success.
From Tiffany's own journey as a child survivor of an abusive home to her experiences as a true crime documentarian, we delve into the strength and inspiration she has drawn from her own life. With a candid conversation that touches on breaking free from trauma, the art of holding space for others, and the profound impact of sharing survivor stories, this episode offers an uplifting perspective on the beauty of finding purpose in helping others heal. Join us in this engaging chat as Tiffany Reese and I navigate the complexities of the human spirit, the power of resilience, and the dream of creating a world of genuine connections and safe spaces for all.
More About Tiffany:
Tiffany Reese, host of the Something Was Wrong podcast, is an abuse survivor, digital creator, body-positivity stylist, victim advocate, and author based in California. After launching Something Was Wrong in 2019, the show has flourished and is currently in its 17th season. Tiffany has published two books, Strong Women Rising (2020) and Everything Sucks: A Gratitude Journal for People Who Have Been Through Some Sh*t (2019). She is the founder & CEO of Broken Cycle Media, a survivor-led, victim-centered multimedia company focusing its time and resources advocating for crime survivors and change within our systems, lives, and laws.
More About Something Was Wrong:
Something Was Wrong is an award-winning true-crime audio docuseries about the discovery, trauma, and recovery from shocking life events and abusive relationships. SWW aims to uplift and validate abuse victims and educate listeners on important topics such as emotional, physical and sexual abuse, coercive control and gaslighting.
Connect with Tiffany Reese and Something Was Wrong:
Tiffany's Instagram - @lookieboo
Tiffany's Website - tiffanyreese.me
SWW Instagram - @somethingwaswrongpodcast
SWW Website and all Listen Links - somethingwaswrong.com
SWW on Apple Podcasts - Listen Here
SWW on Spotify - Listen Here
Connect with Gabi:
Book your FREE 45-minute connection call with Gabi to see if the Pain to Passion coaching program is a good fit for you! - CLICK HERE
FREE Soul Care Journal Download - https://www.gabiruth.com/scjd
Instagram - @gabiruth
TikTok - @gabiruth84
Facebook - facebook.com/gabiruth84
Website - gabiruth.com
Invite Gabi to Speak - gabiruth.com/speaking
(TRANSCRIPT) S2E22: Creating Safe Spaces - A Conversation with Tiffany Reese
Note: Transcript is created by AI. Please excuse any errors.
Tiffany Reese
Gabi: [00:00:00] Hello, beautiful people. Welcome back to pain to passion live guys. I'm so ridiculously excited today. I get to have one of my favorite people here on the show. She is incredible. Get ready to just feel warmly hugged and wrapped around with so much understanding and compassion because that is the vibe.
This beautiful woman puts off. I have Tiffany Reese here with me today. Hi, Tiffany.
Tiffany: Hi. Thank you so much for having me.
Gabi: Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much for being here. I'm so honored and grateful that you have decided to use your time this way. I know we've been connected for a few years now because of your incredible show.
Something was wrong. Um, I was actually trying to remember, like, How we connected for the first time I have. I don't even remember [00:01:00]
Tiffany: because it's been been a listener so long that you were like, I still talk with a lot of listeners who were listening to the earlier seasons because I would add because, of course, I had no idea the success that was would come, so to speak, and I would at the time add every single person who followed me and listen to the show and left a nice comment and message with people.
And you're one of those people that like, I don't have my messages on anymore. So unless I've like previously connected with people, unless I follow them, like they can't message me just for like mental health, like boundaries, but like, yeah, so I think you and I had to have been communicating. early days of the show.
Gabi: Yeah. Well, I know I started listening season one. Yeah.
Tiffany: So most
of the jump. So it's great because it's like, now I'm like heading into almost five years and I've been building relationships with listeners and messaging with them. Like, I feel like I have [00:02:00] family, like all over the United States, you know what I mean? Like, cause I've gotten to like watch. Like one listener specifically, uh, she was leaving her abusive ex husband during season one.
And we started messaging and now she's with, she's completely remarried, has a fantastic partner. They've had a new child together. And it's just like, holy shit. I've been able to see that. Oh, sorry. No, sorry. Swearing. Okay. I should have asked that in advance. Okay. Um, it's just like. Really cool to see. And yeah, you're one of those people who is like, it's just like, you know, Gabby, you know, like, I don't know.
We just know each other. I don't know. We've just been in it for so long now that yeah. And I love that.
Gabi: I love it too. And you're so genuine. Um, and I think that's such a huge part of why your show is so successful, which we'll get into, but. It's so obvious that you're a genuine, warm human being that actually cares about people.
[00:03:00] You can just pick that vibe up. I don't care if it's on a podcast and just your voice, like you could pick that up. Um, so thank you for just being such a genuine human being. It's been such a delight to connect with you and, um, follow you over the years and get to know you a little bit. I just think you're amazing.
But all that said, thank you. I am. Astonished because I was looking at, not that I have a ton of followers, but there's so little crossover. I'm like, what the heck? My people need to know who Tiffany Reese is. This is ridiculous. So that being said. There may be some people who hear this episode who know who you are, and there's probably going to be a lot of people who don't.
So this is an opportunity for me to introduce you to my audience, which I'm so thrilled about. So can you just tell us a little bit about who you are, what you do, and what you're about?
Tiffany: Yes. Uh, well, thank you for giving me the [00:04:00] opportunity to be here. And it's always exciting to spread the word about the podcast and the brave survivors who share their stories on the show.
Um, I actually grew up in a very abusive home. My father was a con artist and has been to prison multiple times for fraud, um, and financial crimes, elder abuse, you. Um, my mother, uh, was very abusive to me, um, growing up and I left home very early around 16, 17. I was on my own pretty much my whole life, but definitely once I, once I officially left home, um, And I put myself through college working multiple jobs, junior college, but, you know, like, I'm really proud of, of how far I was able to take my education, um, because [00:05:00] I actually wasn't able to apply for student loans or anything like that due to my dad's, uh, financial crimes and him not paying their taxes and things like that.
So I couldn't get loans cause my dad had already ruined my credit by the time I was 18 and, um, I couldn't. You know, so, so I basically worked, put myself through junior college and have always been somebody who, um, worked really hard and, um, was drawn to expressing myself through art and creativity. Um, and so I think that really laid the groundwork for the work that I do now.
Um, I eventually got my degree in, uh, liberal arts and also fashion design and merchandising and I. Went on to become a stylist, uh, that focused on body positivity. Um, I also had a blog that was very successful called lookyboo. com and it was a kid's fashion blog when my kids were very little, um, and it also [00:06:00] became a place for me to share about, um, Body positivity in my own outfits and working with other clients who have perhaps struggled with, uh, disordered eating body dysmorphia.
I've also been a long time fan of writing and, um, have often had a style, uh, that's described as irreverent. Um, and so I, uh. Started also getting some freelance writing jobs through podcasting, things like that ended up with my dream job in fashion, quote unquote. It was not the dream pay, but the dream job.
Um, and I was styling celebrities and getting to like, represent the company and different things like that. And again, this was in fashion, but. But still felt like it had some heart to it. And I was commuting back and forth from Sacramento to the Bay area. And I list started listening to a shit ton of podcasts because my commutes were so [00:07:00] long back and forth.
I've always loved documentaries was the weird kid who watched documentaries and like read the newspaper, like total nerd. I've always been so, um, curious and love studying people and trying to figure out what's What motivates human behavior, um, and psychology, things of that nature, especially because of the way I grew up.
I think also it just to back up a little bit and I'm trying to be as succinct as possible, but don't even worry about it just to back up a little bit in 2012, my brother, who I was my person, the person I was close to in my family, um, my younger brother, who's. Who was about 4 years younger than me, um, was was murdered by the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department.
Um, and so that that definitely also, um, influenced. Who I am as a human being and the way that I digest, uh, documentaries [00:08:00] and specifically true crime content. And I've been a lifelong consumer of that content and what started standing out to me when I was commuting and listening to these, all these true crime podcasts that were coming out was like how much I wanted to hear from the survivors and, and not seeing a lot of content that was.
At that time being created, created in what I felt like was a very ethical way. Um, I felt like a lot of it was very like sensationalized. I felt like a lot of it was exploiting people who have already been harmed or making jokes about other people's trauma. Um, and I just wanted to hear more from the people who are directly impacted, such as myself by crime, uh, in their, in their real lives, you know, because it's entertainment for a lot of folks.
When you've lived it, it's a different experience. And, and the way you interact with the, with the media feels different when you've had a loved one who's been murdered. [00:09:00] Um, so all of that led to eventually me working, um, from home more remotely. I took a different job where I could work from home, be with my kids.
Um, and eventually I. Started thinking about making an audio documentary podcast because making documentaries was my dream. Um, and audio seemed like a very, um, you know, achievable way to, to create something like that because all I needed was my time and effort. And I knew I had a plethora of that, even though I had a 0, uh, budget for the project.
And so. Yeah, I just started thinking about survivor stories. I didn't think about telling my own story. Never did that cross my mind, to be honest. And I had heard about Sarah's story who has ended up becoming the first season of the podcast. And. Um, I met her through a friend and, you know, that led to the 1st [00:10:00] season and sharing her story, um, which for those who haven't listened is basically a catfishing story, which involves a young woman who is, uh, religious, grew up in a Christian household, thought she was marrying this.
You know, quote, unquote, Christian man of her dreams. And it turns out their whole relationship, he was catfishing her and pretending to be two people that he wasn't to emotionally manipulate and abuse her. And so the reason that I. Was just like perplexed by the story. Instantly was not only just the nuances of how strange it is for someone to behave that way.
But what what also drew me in was that, um, hearing that he used those friends to, uh, essentially perpetuate fat phobia and abuse her and talk bad about her physical appearance. And I think that's also something that I personally could relate a lot to in her story. And also just like. Somebody trying to [00:11:00] trick you, um, was very familiar to me and my background.
So that's how we got into the podcast. That's kind of like, who I am, what brought me to this work. And then thank and that, uh, season began January 21st, 2019. And, um. Yeah, we'll be going into five years this coming, this coming January. And I just feel incredibly blessed that so many survivors have been willing to share their stories with me and the show.
And it's just been incredible to see. The community that we have built and how the work has impacted people. And I've gone on now and season 16 shared my own story. And yeah, we're getting ready for season 20. I can't believe it, but we're already starting to work on it. So it's just incredible. And I feel so lucky.
Gabi: Wow. So amazing. Like you've lived multiple lives for real. And anyone who's listening to this, you've got to go listen to [00:12:00] season 16 of something was wrong when Tiffany shares her story. All of the seasons are worth listening to, but I'd say listening to your story. Um. Was so moving for all of us. I know it was so moving for me, but even just your little recap right here is like she's lived so many lives and then how you related to Sarah in that 1st season.
Um, I'm curious. How much that played into you finally deciding to tell your own story? Because I think there was something you related with, with most of the people that you've shared stories of. How did their opening up and sharing their stories impact your choice? To share your story, it's season 16.
Tiffany: Yeah, I think, you know, like I mentioned, I didn't set out from the beginning to share my story and I'll never forget at the end of season one, someone left me a comment on [00:13:00] Instagram. I had posted, it was like my brother's birthday or something and so I had posted about like missing him on that day or something about his case and somebody wrote, this is the story you should have covered.
Wow. And I, you know, I just deleted it at the time or whatever. And like, I got like, I don't think they were being mean spirited or malicious. I think they were trying to just like encourage me to speak my, my truth. And I appreciated that. Um, but I just don't think I was like emotionally ready. And I think that I knew I still had, and I still do have so much healing to do.
And it just like, once I started season one, I mean, we started getting people. Submitting their stories and messaging me and wanting to share and. And it was like, I just instantly was in that mode. Um, I was continually inspired though, like every story, every person I meet with and still it's just like, because I've seen also [00:14:00] not only what it takes, but what it brings.
And that piece that a lot of people feel afterwards and definitely I have now gotten to experience that where it's like, you're releasing it in a way and it doesn't need to be on a podcast. It can be released, you know, with your therapist, with your journal, like, however, that on the, you know, on a hike, however, that works for people.
But I, I think being able to finally. make space for myself is what it took. It took so many people and my best friend, Amy, who now I work, who started working on the show. I've told her story and she, um, is such an incredible person. And she really encouraged me to be honest. Like she's a huge reason why I ended up, even when I was like, You know, working with her on her season, season seven, she's like, you know, when you are ready, if you are ready, like your story is important and you need to share it and it will really help people understand you better.
And [00:15:00] I think part of what motivated me to share was that. People were going to make up their own perceptions about who I was anyway. And I thought that if I didn't share myself, that I could keep myself from the world. But when you do what I do, um, you know, people are naturally going to be curious, like we're, you know, I'm the same way.
Like I like to know about my people that make stuff that I like or whatever. And so I get the natural curiosity, but I just wasn't ready. And so. Um, I had been working on it for a few years, like, behind the scenes and kind of just doing it in small doses, but there was so much going on for me behind the scenes, um, and also just focusing on other people's stories that it just wasn't the right time until it was the right time, but I definitely feel like I gained inspiration and sort of like bravery or like the nerve to do it every time I could.
[00:16:00] like learned from someone else's experience. And, um, yeah, now that it's out there, it feels, it feels good. It was difficult and it was emotional, um, and very physically taxing. Um, but now I'm like, I feel like so many of the survivors who have worked with me have shared, like, I feel so free. It's also like out there.
So it's like, if people want to know who I am, you can go press play, you know what I mean? And I don't have to like, keep going through it. And now I get to work with people and they're like, like, I've already had somebody come to me that said, I was, I have not worked with traditional media, even though I've been approached.
I did not ever feel comfortable with sharing my story with any of them, but because I heard season 16, and I know what you're about and who you are a bit like. I'm now finally ready and that's like, honestly, the goal that I had was like, you know, I just want people to know where my heart is going into this and that, like, I, I get it, you know, [00:17:00] um, but it also doesn't define us.
Like, and my, and, you know, the, the title of your podcast couldn't be more perfect. And I talk about it in, um, my second book, strong woman rising, which is like, I am the type of person who plays with a chip on my shoulder. I will churn. Bad things into good shit. That's just what I've always done. I'm like a fucking mulch eater.
Okay. I will like eat it up and I will spit it out and I will grow. Um, and that's what I've always done. And so, um, yeah, would I have loved to have grown up with like a happy family with parents who love me and support me? Like, of course, but that's not who I am. And I've done, I'm really proud of who I am despite where I came from.
Gabi: Yeah. Absolutely, as you should be. I think what's so remarkable about you, I mean, you kind of just said it about being the mulch eater. Is that what you said?
Tiffany: Um, I think it's a mulch eater. It's like that [00:18:00] thing that you like, I don't know what, like, you like, I don't know. It's kind of like a lawnmower, but it like churns and yes, maybe that's an example, but yeah, I'm just like, great.
It eats shit, and it spits it out, and then it grows some beautiful things, right? Terrible like this. I love it. Yeah, we'll go with it.
Gabi: Well, just considering your history, like, The power of the human spirit and resilience and the fact this is one of the things I loved about hearing your story like so much of your story was like you were such an awesome young person, considering what you were going through as a child and a teen, like you were still so awesome and you were fun and you were looking on the bright side of things, which I think is extraordinary.
This person that you were created to be and you now are offering such a beautiful, safe space for so many people and [00:19:00] really looking at you, looking at your story, it's honestly like a miracle who you are and what you do and what you're capable of and the reason why. So many people are drawn to you and are willing to speak with you is just like you said, you have such a genuine, beautiful heart and create a safe space for people.
Um, that's always what I think about when I think of you is like how gifted you are at creating safe spaces. Um, I would love to hear for you, like, what do you think it was? That gave you that skill or even just the desire to have that skill to really genuinely hold space for people. Cause you're probably one of the best people that does this that I know of.
Tiffany: Well, thank you. And I, I feel the same, um, about you and that's why, you know, um, I was excited to come. [00:20:00] Speak with you again today, cause you're a very genuine and kindhearted person. And yeah, I appreciate women like you, who, you know, cheer women on, um, and you're always like advocating for others. And I relate to that a lot.
Um, gosh, I think when I was a child, I was kind of forced into holding space for other people's pain. Um, I was. The person who felt responsible for keeping everyone safe and happy and honestly, I think out of that kind of came this personality of like, um, taking care of others, not only because I genuinely love other people and have a deep sense of empathy, but because that was my role.
Mhm. But also, as I, like, came out of my childhood and had moments in my life where other people held space for me and my pain. Mm hmm. [00:21:00] However random they might have felt at that time and how lonely I may have felt, even in those tiny moments where people, a teacher or a boss or a friend or a friend's parent would.
Show me love and compassion and empathy and hold space for me. And what that meant to me, I think it naturally drove me to desire to give that same peace and love to other people because I was so starved for it. Yeah. And so I see the great power in it, in someone just saying, I'm so sorry. Like you did not deserve that, you know, It's so powerful.
It's just what everybody wants. It's human connection and it's validation. And I think everybody desires that on a deep level.
Gabi: Absolutely. Being seen and heard are such basic human needs [00:22:00] and being seen doesn't mean like, Oh, I see you. You're there. Cute outfit. You know, whatever being seen is like feeling felt, feeling felt is actually what it means to be seen that you feel like.
Someone feels you, um, and I can imagine that you were starved for that all that time and those. People who met you in that space and we're like, actually, we have empathy for you actually, you can take up space here. Actually, you do matter would have had such a deep impact on you after feeling starved like that for so long.
Um, I think it's pretty typical of trauma survivors who have decided to enter into. Healing work like you have to have the natural capacity to [00:23:00] hold space exactly for the reasons you said, um, of course, it also comes with the opposite challenge of having a people pleasing mentality, which I, I would be interested to know, um, how you've worked through that because I know you've done a lot of your own work and.
Offering that kind of safe space to people can also be taken advantage of by the wrong people. Um, and I'm sure boundaries and understanding people pleasing has been a big part of your journey. Anything you'd like to say around that, I would love to hear it.
Tiffany: So, yes, people pleasing, even when I started the show and working on it, massive issue for me.
And, um, I remember Sarah from season one talking to me and being like, you know, don't forget to take care of yourself because you can't. Give everything to everyone else and leave nothing for yourself. And I really appreciated that in the moment. And I, and [00:24:00] I, you know, even some of my close friends, people who know me in real life are like, okay, but make sure you're like, you know, taking care of you because, you know, I do struggle with depression and PTSD and anxiety.
And I, I do have a lot of. Just like chemical imbalances that are a challenge at times to just function. And I know many can relate to that. So taking care of myself has, has become necessary in order for me to show up for others to the best of my ability. And I, I. See that now. And I recognize that now, but I definitely had to learn that lesson over time.
But honestly, in, on the other side of the, like, opposite of the creative is, is like a podcast is a business, whether people want to admit it or not. Um, especially if you like need the podcast to make enough money to, for [00:25:00] it to be your job. And. You know, it definitely has been my full time job, even when I had another full time job to begin with.
Um, and so I, it made me learn how to fight for myself in a different way because it's not just me. It's the survivors. It's their bravery. It's they've trusted me, you know, and having to overcome that obstacle changed my, like. The people pleasing part of me in such a massive way, and what I realized is that people pleasing is self abandonment by another name, and I remember reading that online.
I don't know who said it. It was fantastic. Could have been a comment. Somebody left who knows, but I remember seeing it somewhere online and being like, wow. I needed that. Yeah. I remind myself of that now, like, and something I talk about all the time with my kids is like, you're the CEO, the president, the chair, you're everybody of, of the you business.
Like, I'm the CEO of the Tiffany Reese. [00:26:00] business. I'm the financial chair. You know, I am in charge of, of every branch of that business. And if, if you kind of like look at it that way, when you're dealing with business or people taking advantage of you, or if you're, I've been in like work situations in the past where I felt like my boss had all this power over me and stuff.
And I felt like I needed to people, please. And as women, we're like constantly being. Diminished for what we're worth. And so once I started thinking like, no, the CEO of the Tiffany Reese foundation does not accept that offer. She, you know what I mean? And almost like taking yourself out of it, that those kinds of like mental tools helped me to stop people pleasing so much.
And ultimately I ended, you know, now I I'm in a, such a better place setting boundaries and also insisting. On believing in myself has been crucial. Yeah.
Gabi: I'm taking that home. That was good.
Tiffany: You told me to [00:27:00] talk a lot, so I'm trying. You, you did.
Gabi: That was great.
Tiffany: Okay, great.
Gabi: Thank you. I'm taking that with me.
I'm going to be the CEO of me. Yes.
Tiffany: Yeah, that does make a difference. Because you're like, no, for our finance department, that does not work actually. We need it. I love that. It really is. That is so great. And honestly, I, my husband uses it like other people that, you know, I think it does help separate ourselves.
And that's something I've learned a lot in therapy is like taking the bird's eye view of ourselves and our situations, because it's so easy to just like get lost in the emotions of things and be like, so stuck in that to not see the bigger picture. And so it helps me see the bigger picture. Absolutely.
Gabi: That's great. It's a great thing that you're teaching your kids to. I love that you're pouring that into them, which speaking of kudos on being a generational chain breaker, Tiffany and starting something new with your family. You're an amazing [00:28:00] mom. You're building something incredible in those kids. So.
Just wanted to make sure to express that because I know what a big deal that is. So I hope you're really, really proud of yourself for that as well.
Tiffany: Well, thank you. Um, it feels, I don't, it just was like, I can't imagine any other way. And like, maybe that's just the blessing of not, you know, being born the way I was, you know, like, I, I just feel like it's such an honor and a privilege.
And I can't imagine doing any of the things that were done to me, to my children and thank God that I don't have to have such like, yeah, but yeah, thank you. Um, you know, my husband too, he's definitely a cycle breaker and it's so important to both of us that we, to your point, kind of pour those principles into our children and.
Um, yeah, you know, now they get to tell us what we do wrong and how we can improve. So the sequel continues. They're going to make us even better people. And you know, now they're our oldest two are turning into teenagers. So they're humbling [00:29:00] us and making sure that they know all of the needs improvement areas.
But it's great. It's, it's, yeah, it's, you know, I know parenting isn't for everyone, but It's the coolest thing I've ever got to do.
Gabi: Yeah, I would concur. It's the coolest thing I've ever gotten to do as well. It's pretty dang awesome. Well, girl, I could talk to you all day because you're amazing and you're so much fun to talk to and you just have so much to offer.
So many beautiful treasures inside of you. So thank you for sharing some of those with us. Today, I really, really appreciate it before we go. I would love to hear what your biggest dream is. For the future
Tiffany: and thank you so much for having me again. This was this, like, flew by, you know, I always, I know I hate doing interviews.
I hate doing stuff like this, which is so funny, but because it's you, I was like, okay, [00:30:00] I can do this. I can do this because it's Gabby. I'm touched, but it blew it, like, blew by. So that was good. It was like, no big, um, okay. What is my biggest dream? Like, achievable dream? Sure. Okay. Okay. Cause right now it's really feeling like world peace would be great.
Yeah. That would be like the ultimate dream. Not just sound like Miss congeniality, but for real world peace. Um, um, gosh, my biggest dream honestly would just be able to continue the life I'm living right now. And that my loved ones stay safe and healthy and, you know, I honestly just want to do this work forever and I just want to keep meeting people and, and sharing their stories.
Like, I, I truly love everything about my life right now and I've never really been able to say that before.
Gabi: That's [00:31:00] super cool. Wow. That's really cool.
Tiffany: Wow. Like honestly, yeah. Like feeling pretty good. Wow. Pretty blessed.
Gabi: Yeah. Very, very awesome. Well, job well done. And you're continuing to do amazing work. Um, love following everything that you do.
Everyone who's listening. Make sure you go to subscribe to something was wrong connect with something was wrong on Instagram I'll put all the links and everything in the show notes as well Tiffany you're a gem absolutely adore you. Thank you for being here today
Tiffany: Thank you so much. Same same talk to you soon.
Talk soon. Bye. Bye