Did you grow up with a mother who couldn't or wouldn't truly mother and nurture you?

Maybe you had a mother who was mentally ill, narcissistic, absent, or abused substances. That longing inside of you to be mothered comes from such a natural need, and for those of us who have experienced being unmothered, it can be very painful and affect every area of our lives.

On this episode of Pain to Passion Live, author and coach Onjeinika Brooks shares her own story of being unmothered and how she has had to face this reality and learn to heal. She is an amazing storyteller and is so gifted in helping others discover their healing, too.

We talked about how we fiercely love our mothers, even when they aren't or can't be what we need them to be. We talked about how being unmothered affects our lives in so many ways, including parenting, friendships, and work. And we talked about grieving, accepting what has happened, and about what forgiveness really means and what it looks like.

Healing from being unmothered isn't easy, but it is possible, and I'm so grateful for Onjeinika's voice and how she helps us see the path to healing. You don't want to miss this amazing interview!

More about Onjeinika:

Onjeinika Brooks helps women overcome emotional trauma from a toxic or neglectful mother, so they can reclaim their power and live healthier, happier lives. She is the author of Unmothered: A Daughter’s Guide to Acceptance, Healing, and Renewal.

Connect with Onjeinika:

Instagram - @onjeinika.brooks

Website - onjeinikabrooks.com

Book - onjeinikabrooks.com/books

Connect with Gabi:

Instagram - @gabiruth

TikTok - @gabiruth84

Facebook - facebook.com/gabiruth84

Website - gabiruth.com

(TRANSCRIPTION) Ep. 19: Healing From Being Unmothered - Onjeinika Brooks

Gabi: Hey friends. Welcome back to Pain to Passion Live. We are back with an amazing guest after a little hiatus for the holidays, and I'm so excited today to be talking to my friend, Onjeinika. She is incredible. You guys are going to absolutely love her. Um, it's true. Don't be modest. She is. She's amazing.

And, uh, we connected on Instagram probably a couple of years ago now. Yeah. And she did me the honor of being part of my, like, Live Zoom event thing that I did last year called Pain to Passion Live. That was where I first used this name and things have just grown since then. And so I'm so thrilled to have you on the podcast.

Thank you for being here with me today, my friend.  

Onjeinika: Hi Gabi. Thank you for having me today. Um, such a treat to sit down and chat with you. Um, Well, I guess it's welcome everybody. Uh, hopefully we can help someone out there that, uh, is listening.

Gabi: Yes, I definitely think that we will, and I was praying for us this morning because I know that the message that you have and the wisdom that you have is something that so many of us need.

Um, and so I just wanted to just bless this time and know that, um, your words are going to impact people. So as we get started, why don't you just tell us a little bit about who you are, what you do, where you are, all of those fun things.

Onjeinika: Okay. So I'm Onjeinika Brooks, and uh, my background is engineering and I edit full-time.

But I have this passion for writing, and so with the passion that I, I believe God gave me to, to write, I've recently published a book, and so this is my second book, and it's a memoir and it's titled Unmothered: A Daughter's Guide to Acceptance, Healing, and Renewal. And so this book has been inside for a long time and it's taken several years for it to come out.

Uh, it has to do with, um, the relationship I had with my mother. And so God basically was just speaking to me and saying, you know, you need to write this book because other people are gonna go through what you went through. And what I went through was a difficult mother-daughter relationship. Pretty traumatic in some ways.

Um, you know, just a lot of emotional trauma with the way my mother treated me when I was growing up. And so, although I believe deep down she loved me, I think there, um, were a lot of issues there. And so that's what I talk about in the book. And I use, uh, my story to present what I call nine steps to healing.

That can help you if you’re a daughter and you're maybe in a similar situation and you feel like you've been unmothered, which means you, you know, you grew up and your mom didn't validate you, didn't love you like you needed, didn't support you, and you ended up with some issues, you know, right now, later in life.

And so if you feel like that's you, I have, uh, nine steps to healing. I have this book for you and I've also opened up, uh, coaching opportunities. And so that's what I'm here to do, uh, here to serve, and just excited to do that.  

Gabi: I love that so much. And like I mentioned before, I think it's such an important message and, um, I've been reading your book, by the way, and you're such a gifted writer.

Onjeinika: Oh, thank you.

Gabi: You, you really just welcome people into your story in a way that's so relatable. Um, I love when people put their memoir alongside, like actually helping you go through something, like there are a lot of memoirs out there, which I love a memoir, trust me. I love them. Um, but some of them are just like, this is my story. Here it is. Which is great and wonderful. It's great. You can glean from that. But the way you've intentionally put these steps together to like basically come alongside, hold our hand and say, you can go through this journey too. You just did such an amazing job.  

Onjeinika: Thank you. I cannot take all the credit.

I can't take all the credit. I actually wanted to write a memoir, just like you were talking about. The ones that I love reading that not, are, not necessarily, you know, to guide, uh, you through any kind of difficulty, but I got a, a book coach. I hired somebody to help me with this and you know, she is amazing at what she does and she's, you know, helped plenty of authors and it was basically her formula that helped me to put the pieces in place to tell the story in a way that I think can help other people. So I won't take that credit, but, um, definitely glad that I contacted her.

Gabi: Yeah, for sure. I mean, I think reaching out to get help with the things that are in your heart to do is always a wise thing to do.

We can definitely grit it out on our own and, um, make something. But the steps that you took to make what you have created, it definitely paid off. Cuz it's a really, really wonderful book and I recommend it for sure to anyone out there listening. Which by the way, I'll put the links to everything in the show notes.

So if you're listening right now and you're like, I need that book, go check out the show notes and you can click on the link and go snag her book and, um, get connected with Onjeinika. Um, but you did mention a little bit about your story, but I'd love to hear a little bit more because you even mentioned just now that you were thinking of creating a memoir before it turned into also like a help guide for someone. So can you share a little bit more of your story on that journey?  

Onjeinika: Well, I think just wanting to get the story out is just the writer in me. Like I said, you know, I love science and math. That's my background.

But when you have a passion, you know, it's really hard to walk away from that. And so I think, um, just wanting to get the story out was my goal. But then when I stopped and listened to what I felt like I was being told to do, the question became, okay, so how do I help other people? And so in helping other people, I had to change the way I was relaying the story, the way I was writing it.

And so that's why it ended up, you know, being more. Um, probably deeper than I, than I thought it would be, and it ended up very difficult to write, you know, because no one wants to talk about, um, mothers for one, because they're held in high regard, you know, as they should be. Uh, mothers are expected, but when something's wrong, I think it is important for us as a society, as people to call that out.

Because if we don't, it doesn't get changed, it doesn't get fixed. And then we end up having people, daughters like myself. Um, and you know, I know you're familiar with it as well, Gabi, but you end up struggling in life, because, you know, nothing was said. Nothing was done. And so in my experience, my mother was in the home with me.

My father was not, he lived in a different state. Um, which was okay. You know, there was some contact with him, but my mother was young and I feel like she just, you know, maybe didn't want children at the time, wasn't um, equipped, you know. Many different things could have been going on, but it played out in the way she would treat me on a day-to-day basis.

You know, she would insult the way that I looked, my skin color. Um, she would insult these different things about me, you know, if I was too quiet or too shy, it could be anything. And instead of what you would think a mother would do for the child, you know, it was just the opposite a lot of the time. Not all of the time, but enough that, you know, when you're developing as a child, you don't need that.

And, and I kind of embedded it and then it came out in other ways. And so that's, that's the, you know, like the, I guess the easiest way to describe it.  

Gabi: Yeah, for sure. And it's, it's difficult to come to terms with the fact. Maybe you weren't mothered. Right. Which I know you talked about in the book.

You, you mentioned even, I think maybe in the intro, it might be in your bio, I can't remember which. Um, but you mentioned like you still loved her fiercely. Like you knew that something was wrong. You could feel that something was off, but you still loved her fiercely. Can you kind of talk about that tension?

Onjeinika: You know, I think it's interesting and I'm, you know, I'm not going to go into depth on titles that I've used, um, because I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist or anyone that can diagnose, but I think as a child, if you pick up on something off or wrong with their parent, that is a good indication that there's probably a problem.

Because you know children, yes, they, they're very smart, they're intelligent. They can pick up on lots of things, but for them to know something like that, like with the personality or deep, I think is telling the rest of us, the adults around us, there's something's wrong. And so I talk about, uh, being unmothered, but also loving my mother because that was the only thing I knew. So my grandmother was in the home and she did most of the child rearing, and she was a great mom. She was a great, you know, mother figure. But what I wanted was the attention from my own mother. I wanted her to see me differently to, you know, show me that she loved me, you know?

To just to do all the things to want to be around me. And I wasn't feeling that. But at the same time, if I were to complain, then my grandmother would say, you know, that's your mother. You have to respect her. You have to love her. And so I think it was just kind of, you know, trained in me to, to think that.

And it seemed like that was the right thing to do too. And I'm not saying it isn't. Uh, it's just, it creates a very, um, it's a, it's a conflict. Yeah, a huge conflict. When you have those feelings and you carry them into adulthood, yet your mother doesn't change and she doesn't get better and she doesn't treat you differently.

It, it really makes it hard to, um, to move forward to progress because you feel lost.  

Gabi: Yeah, absolutely. And I think even as you're speaking, that will probably hit a tender place in some people, um, of just that feeling of like, like you're saying, like that, I'm, I feel so lost and a lot of us try to, I know that I have in my life, I've tried to just grit it out and be like, everything's fine, and I didn't realize until later in life, as an adult, how much of a lack and a loss there actually was and how much it had affected me. And I know that that was similar for you. Um, what were some of the indicators to you that you were like, I need to start naming this. This is actually affecting me in a really big way.

Onjeinika: There was a lot, there were a lot of emotional struggles between us. Whereas I would try to get my mother to mother. I would try to get her to guide me through things. Like I remember when I went, was going to college and we needed to move, you know, my things there, whatever. Um, I stayed on campus and she didn't have a car at the time, so she basically was just giving up on me being able to get to school, even though that was her responsibility.

And there were a number of things she could do. She basically just checked out. And so I remember, you know, that was one of the conversations we had, and I was telling her, you know, you can't. You can't check out right now. You know, you have to help me figure this out. This is what you're supposed to do.

And so there were lots of talks like that. There were lots of conversations where I felt like I was the mother or I was coaching her, or I was trying to get her, uh, to buy into this thing. And it was draining. You know? I would feel so bad after. Talks like that after we, you know, we'd be on the phone back then and I'd feel so bad, you know, when things didn't go well.

And then they didn't get better. And I could get her sometimes to show interest and to do the things. And obviously my grandmother was there and she could help too, to tell her what she needed to do. But it was just a feeling of why is it so difficult? Why don't you want to, you know, why don't you love me?

Is what I was getting at. And so the emotional battles were very draining. And, you know, sometimes it, it would be like days, days after, and you would still feel, you know, bad about how, how things went. Hoping that, you know, it wouldn't happen the next time. And so that I think was the, the biggest thing.

And it just kept growing. It didn't get better over time. The older I got, we clashed more. Um, I had a younger brother. Sometimes it was things having to do with him or my sister, you know, we would just continue to clash and I began to think it's not gonna get better. And then I began to see little hints of things that I think were traits for my, in my speech or, you know, I got married and the way that I was thinking and like seeing my husband and viewing our relationship, some of the, the things that she thought, I felt like, um, I had taken those views on without even knowing it. And they weren't good views. They weren't good.  

Gabi: Yeah. When you start to see the reflection in yourself. That's very eye-opening because you do come to the point where you realize you cannot change other people. But you can do something about yourself.  

Onjeinika: Right, but that's the big, that's the, the big deal right there.

Gabi: It’s once you realize that, I think. I don't know if you had the same experience, but for me, I think I had kind of a high view of myself where I was like, I've come out unscathed and I'm not gonna be anything like that, but…

Onjeinika: Yeah. I thought I was okay. I thought I was gonna be okay. And you know, I, I knew I had, you know, I had suffered, but I thought, you know, I know better. I can do better. And so here's, here's how I'm, I'm thinking about it and, you know, and like I said, I went to college and things went well with that, and I'm off starting my life and I can do this, right?

But I still wasn't, uh, where you mentioned like, I hadn't gotten to the point where I understood that I couldn't change her. That came later. And so it was that struggle that really, you know, expended a lot of my energy and mentally just drained me and made me feel really sad, really, you know, um, I won't say hopeless, I wasn't hopeless in the sense of my life, but in for our relationship, right? I began to wonder, you know, if it was gonna ever change. And it was a part of it was because I wasn't focusing on what I could do for me. I kept trying to change her.  

Gabi: Yeah. Yeah. And there's so much, even though it's tragic, there's a lot of liberation that comes from that realization of, this person is not going to change. And the way that she functions is the way that she functions and is the way that she's going to continue to function.

Onjeinika: Right. And I had to get there. That's why accept acceptance is the first part of the book because it is a big, it is a big deal and it moves things.

If you can get there. Yeah, it'll move you, I think it'll move you forward.

Gabi: Yeah. And that tied in with the honesty about what's going on in your own self that you see that needs Right to be healed and changed. And I know that you talk about how you decided to go to therapy and you talk about how important that has been for you.

Like what has that process been for you as far as engaging in therapy?

Onjeinika: So therapy came late for me. Um, therapy wasn't something that I ever thought of. I wish I had when I was younger. I wish we had, you know, like as a family. I wish that that had happened, but it really wasn't something people talked about a lot or if you needed to go, you know, they, I guess they felt like it was very severe reasons or, you know, other types of diagnoses that would cause you to go, right.

So that wasn't even on my radar. And so I went to therapy because of something. And like I said, I was familiar because I had done marriage counseling. Um, like I said, it weighs on your relationship. It weighs on everything, right? That mother daughter relationship just can, you know, bleed into other areas.

And so I was familiar. And so when I finally decided to go for a different reason, some of the issues and a lot of the grief I was feeling because, like I said, I lost my mother. Um, she died of breast cancer. Um, it will be 20 years this year. That grief was wound up in everything. So going to therapy was, it was just, um, I guess lifesaving for me.

I felt like breath was just breathed back into me because, I was going down and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to get out. And then I had other issues going on in my life. I had a sick child that I was dealing with. So all of that, it just seemed like I was going down and, and the therapist was able to listen and to, um, help me pinpoint some things.

And so I'm still in therapy, and I enjoy it because it's just very helpful to have a professional that can listen to you, strategize with you. Um, you know, just give you different ways of thinking of some things. How I do encourage therapy or at least to try it. I know it doesn't work for everyone, but if you've tried a lot of other things, perhaps try psychotherapy. Cause I think it helps.  

Gabi: Yeah, I would, I would have to agree with that as well. Like, I know it can be challenging to find the right therapist, but even that, that's another podcast for another day. But all different topics, it's definitely worth it, in my opinion to agree to do the work, to find the right fit. Because once you do it, like you said, it can be lifesaving. It can be life-changing and just having that safe space where you can feel and have someone with an outside perspective is like, so incredible. So I highly recommend that as well.

And you did just mention again, like your mom passed away. She, and I know that whole story, um, is, it's a huge part of your story really, right? Because you got married and then after your wedding you decided to go no contact. Can you talk about that a little bit?

Onjeinika: Um, so going no contact was a really difficult decision for me and you know, at the time, like I said, there were, there, I didn't, I don't know if there were resources out there. I wasn't really looking for them or aware that I needed them. I wish I knew so many things, but I didn't know about going no contact. I didn't know, you know, like this was something that people needed to do sometimes.

So when I went no contact with my mother, it wasn't in the way I would, I would talk about it now. If I were to, to say, you know, going no contact is an option, I think it would be more for you as a person, as a boundary, as a way to protect yourself. As a way to heal. But at the time that I went through it, it was really for revenge.

It was really a way to get back at her because of some of the things she had done, the mistreatment, and I thought, well, I'm just gonna cut her access to me. And that's, you know, that's gonna work. And that is probably, um, I don't like to use the term narcissism too much anymore because I understand, you know, I'm not in the health field.

However, that is one of the worst things you can do with a person that's really into themselves. Like really. You know, they don't, they don't care sometimes. And so you can do that, and they can do you one better and say, okay, oh, you don't wanna talk and it hurts, you know, like you wouldn't believe. So going no contact was a difficult decision for me.

I did it for the wrong reasons, didn't find peace with it. And then just after doing it, found out that she had breast cancer. She was diagnosed with breast cancer, and so then I had to decide now, you know, how do I fix this? Do I wanna fix this? What am I feeling? And so there were a million things going through my head at that point.

And, um, eventually I got to the point where I said, I have to, I have to forgive. I have to forgive enough to go to her. And then once I was with her, further forgiveness took place. But it was, it was difficult.

Gabi: Yeah. Which I would love to talk with you about that because like you, I still remember from a year ago we talked about that when we talked about forgiveness and I was just like, yeah, because everyone has a take on forgiveness these days. Have you noticed?

Onjeinika: I've noticed, I've noticed, and I think mine is, has evolved as well. It hasn't changed in a sense of, I see it differently, but I've definitely learned more about it.

But yeah, we can, we can talk about that.

Gabi: Yeah. Well, I would love to, I would love to hear what your process of forgiveness was like, because I know it's not a one and done thing. Um, and also just what forgiveness, like, what does that mean to you?

Onjeinika: So, to me, forgiveness means different things depending on the person.

And so that's where I say I've evolved a bit because I think there are levels to forgiveness. And so I think, and it also depends on what has happened. So I describe it like it is a way to move forward. It is a way to release something that's happened to you and move forward in the, in the simplest way that I can describe it, I think.

But I believe forgiveness has levels. And so, you know, there are some offenses and some people where, you know, it's just gonna take you a little bit of time. You're gonna wipe the slate clean, you're gonna forgive them, and you're gonna reconcile, right? You know, there's probably, you know, I always say like siblings, a lot of times that's me.

Something happens with, with me and my sister, I'm gonna forgive. It may take a little time, but then there, there are deeper things. There are deeper hurts. There're, you know, sometimes events that you know that it is just not as easy. And so that's where I would put the relationship and the things I went through with my mother.

And that is a different level of forgiveness to me. And though she's not here, I think for, for me, my process is always that, okay, what level is this offense at and how do I feel about this person? And do I think I'm gonna reconcile? But there are a lot of things that happen where you aren't going to reconcile with the person and you don't need to.

And that's okay. That is. Forgiving them doesn't mean you have to pretend or, you know, try to make the relationship like it was. And so that I think is a huge part of people, you know, can, can fall into that category. You don't have to pretend, you don't have to reconcile, but what you do have to, to do is accept that whatever the event was happened, you can't change it and decide it is a decision that you, that I am going to move on. I am not gonna continue to dwell there because if you hold on to bitterness, your heart isn't open for the new things that'll be coming. And that is, that is the main purpose to me of forgiving, is you release that and you can move into what's coming. If you don't release it, you stay stuck a lot of the time and you get stuck, but the other person may move on with their life.  

Gabi: Yeah. Totally. Uh, you, you said it in there, you said the word accept, just like, I think it's so interesting how acceptance and forgiveness go hand in hand. Especially like in those situations, like you're talking about where reconciliation might not be an option.

Um, but you can still accept like, this is the truth about what happened.That's, that's the truth. naming the truth about everything is so important, right? Actually speaking the truth and seeing it for what it is, and then choosing, like you said, it doesn't have that power over me anymore, which can be difficult to do.

Onjeinika: It can be hard. And that's where you might need a therapist or you might need a trusted friend that can just listen to you. And, you know, it may need to be someone outside the family as we're talking about, you know, these family dynamics. It's sometimes difficult if, if it's someone within your family because they're gonna want you to reconcile.

They're gonna want you to do, you know, what they think they would do, but, or what they think is best for the family. But you have to, to have someone that I think you, um, you can trust someone that'll listen. And so I I, I like that you said that you know it because it'll help you step back and see a different way.

Because one way is to continue to let it hurt you. One way is to seek revenge. You know, one way is to just sit in the pain, but the other way is to realize that if I walk away from this, things can get better. You know, life can improve. And you and acceptance is so huge.  

Gabi: Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. And at the same time, forgiveness also does not negate grief.

Like grieving is I, I'm a very black and white person sometimes, of like, okay, well then if I forgive then I'm over it. Like, no, move on. But there's so much grief involved, which I know you talk about extensively in your book as well, but can you just share a little bit, whatever, whatever angle you think is most important, but like the importance of that grieving process and what that might look like for someone who is unmothered?

Onjeinika: I think grieving is just as important as forgiveness. Um, and actually in the book, I, I tie them together as the, like the crux of the healing process happens when you grieve and when you forgive. I think those are like the biggest parts and so I think grief can be a catalyst. I think it, it can allow you to get to the next level, but you have to let yourself feel the pain.

You're, you're not going to, um, do well if you bury things deep inside. And I always say, you know, I saw this on a video I was watching on YouTube and a, and a lady was, um, she's doing hair for little girls, and she was telling them, you have to let it out, because there's more room out here than there is inside.

So you don't wanna bury that pain deep in there because it will cause harm to you. So you have to feel your feelings, as bad as it is. So I think that it's important when you're unmothered, because you have to give a name to it. You have to say, this is what happened. And I absolutely hated it. It felt so bad, you know, this wasn't right, this wasn't fair. You can say all the things and feel all the things. And when you do that, you know, it, it allows you to validate your feelings so you know that they're real, you, you know that it's okay. And you create like a safe space for yourself, you know, because you're letting yourself, you know, vent or, you know, say, or feel whatever is necessary.

And by doing that, it's, I think it can, it can jumpstart you for the forgiveness process, but you do have to feel the loss. And for, for me, I didn't grieve the fact that we didn't have a mother-daughter relationship. So when she died, grieving her death is one thing and not seeing her and her not being around.

But I didn't grieve the fact that we never had the relationship that I wanted. I never felt like I was mothered. And so it's important that you look at it in that perspective and say, okay, this, this may not be for us. This may not be, you know, what we were meant to have. Grieve and let it let it go. .

Yeah, that's a big one. It's a hard one. I mean, all of this is difficult, which is why it takes time, you know, and it's people's journeys, healing journeys will be different, but, you know, and sometimes you'll need more support just depending on who you are and how, you know, what your triggers are when it comes to emotions, all of that.

Um, but that's why I think it was important for me to write the book and, and put a process, because none of us will do this the same, but we need some guidance.  

Gabi: Yeah, for sure. And having a helping hand like you offer in that book is so valuable. So I'm again just so grateful that you've put that out into the world.

I'm curious to know, because, um, I know the book has kind of come to fruition in the last few years. How has it affected you as a parent? To like go through this process and uncover all of that.

Onjeinika: I feel like I've grown as a parent because it's, you know, it's like I said, when, when you begin to see some, some of the traits of your mother coming out, like in your life and in your speech, whatever.

I think for me with parenting, that was the last place I wanted, I wanted to admit, you know, that I was seeing some of those things, you know, that continue. I didn't want the cycle to continue. So when I heard myself say something, you know, to one of my daughters one day, I said, okay, this isn't me and this isn't how I want to show up.

And so it caused such an awareness, like on the deepest level to think, okay, so here were the things you didn't receive right? Here were the things you felt like you needed. How can you make sure that your children get that. You don't have what they need, how can you make sure that they don't feel like that? And you know you're not gonna always get it right.

We've messed it up as parents sometimes, and that's okay. We're learning, but you have to be able to apologize upon, and that's something my mother didn't do. And so I've tried to, in some senses be opposite if I, you know, there was something missing. And then others, I've just prayed and asked for like divine wisdom just to know what to do with them.

And I treat them as people and not necessarily as you know, you are a child and stay in your place. Because I think we've done that too long. And so it doesn't mean that I don't discipline them, it doesn't mean that I'm not in charge in the home. It just means they get to, to speak and share and I should listen, and I think that is, that is the biggest thing.

Gabi: It gave me so many feelings. You're an amazing mom. You are, and you have beautiful children and it's, it's wonderful.  

Onjeinika: You are, and you have beautiful children and it's, it's wonderful.  They're so cute. Oh my God. I love seeing them.

Gabi: They're, they're pretty cute.

Onjeinika: I have teenagers now, so I get to enjoy your babies. Um, and my teenagers too, so.  

Gabi: Oh my gosh. Well, they grow up so fast. I keep looking at Fina who's like growing like a weed and I'm like, oh my goodness, you're gonna be a pre-teen before I know it. I better like, I know, soak this in. But yeah, I, I love, like, it gives me goosebumps like thinking about this kind of stuff.

Just like yeah, how you have made such a conscious effort. To change what has been happening, gener happening generationally, right? And it's women like you that like, I just wanna shout your name from the rooftops because it's like you're a warrior for doing that, and for changing, like imagine how your kids are gonna grow up and parent.

It's so exciting to me.

Onjeinika: Me too. It's exciting to me. Yeah. I'm hoping that I'm doing it right. And it's like I said, you know, there's always that anxiety a bit when, you know, when you're a parent and you don't know and you've, you know, unfortunately you don't have a, a book that tells you exactly what to do and it just works perfectly. None of that, you know, is real, but you know, you're hoping that you're doing it right and you're doing your best and then you just course correct. You just course correct when you know, you learn something here, you learn something there or that didn't work and it's not like you're, you're, you know, experimenting with the kids.

It's that you're just doing life, and you are allowing yourself to fall. If you fall and you know, you have to get back up. And that's the lesson that you teach them. Yeah. And it's just all about love.

Gabi: Yes. All about love.

Onjeinika: Absolutely. We're not perfect people. None of us.  

Gabi: No, absolutely not.

Well, and you talked about like how you apologize. And I know how huge that is. I had the same experience like, I never got apologized to. But that was like one of the things, even before I had kids, I was like, I'm going to apologize when I mess up. And now knowing what I know, just even neurobiologically, like what that does for a child is, when you mess up, it's the repair that really matters. And so like, we're gonna mess up. Right? Like you said, none of us are perfect. I even apologize to my kids for things that I did five years ago, cuz I didn't know. You know, I didn't know then what I know now, but I know now that some of those things were probably not good for them.

And so apologizing for that and I think that has. At least what I see in my kids and I'm grateful for, it's built their resilience, and it's also built their trust that, yeah, I'm safe. Like I can do something that's unsafe to them, their nervous system when I lose it or whatever, but they know I'm gonna come back and apologize. The other cool thing to see is how they know how to apologize also.

Onjeinika: Correct. And see that's the thing. We expect them to do it if as they're growing, we expect kids to apologize. And I think most parents will try to teach children to do that.

But what makes us any different? Right? So I think trust is earned, and that's not something that I, I would say I knew before I wrote the book. So in writing was just like all these things started to come out. And the more you deal with the content and the more you heal, you grow. And so I think that, you know, that is the best gift that we can give to them. You know, if we're asking them for something, we need to be that example. We can't expect the kids to apologize all the time and we never say sorry.  

Gabi: Yeah, that doesn't make any sense. Like you said, they're people also, they're not just kids. They are fully formed human beings who are learning from us what to do.

Onjeinika: Yeah. Totally different space. I mean, I think we need more of this. It, you know, it causes a, a whole paradigm shift that we probably aren't ready for, we have to, we have to do it.

Gabi: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Well, I think you're incredible. I know I keep saying that, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart. I'm so glad that we've been able to chat today, and I wanted to just give you space here at the end to share any offerings that you have or how we can connect with you on social media, and then anything else that might be on your heart to share before we say goodbye.

Onjeinika: Well, thank you. And first of all, I wanna say thank you, just, um, just for the platform that you have. You know, you talk about other women so much and you hold us up, but you are doing an amazing job here. I just think that this is wonderful. Um, even from last year, um, with the Pain to Passion live, um, event that you put on, I just was in awe.

And so I think that the platform that you have is wonderful. And please, please, please don't stop because there are so many people that need it. And yes, there are many different aspects. There's forgiveness and acceptance and relationships, but there's so many people that just need what you're providing.

So thank you for that. Thank you. Um, if people wanna contact me, I'm, I'm on social media, so I'm on Facebook and I'm on Instagram. I am, uh, the Unmothered coach and or you can also type in my name, Onjeinika Brooks. So I'm the only one out there in the world right now. So if you, uh, type it in, you will find me.

Um, I'm working on YouTube, so not quite there yet. I mean, I, I want the long form videos to, to probably live there so that people that have time can go there and re-watch. So I have some up right now, but for now, those places you can also visit my website if you're interested in the book, learning more about it.

Um, I unpack it a little bit there, and the ebook is available on Amazon. Um, right now, if you are a daughter and you feel like you are ready to heal, your mind is in the space of no more of this. There's gotta be something better. Then I am offering one-to-one coaching at this time. Um, and so you can DM me, you can email me and you know, we can set up a call and see if I could possibly help you.

Gabi: Awesome. So, so great. Thank you so much. Yay. And yeah, I definitely recommend you guys follow her on Instagram. She goes live a lot, um, and does some really cool like sessions on Instagram. Um, and her book again is beautiful. So go check it out and if you can coach with her gold, pure gold, I'm sure of it. So, um, thank you Onjeinika.

I really appreciate you taking the time today. I'm sure we'll chat again soon, but thank you. Thank you. You are a gift.

Onjeinika: Thank you, Gabi. Thanks everyone. Bye bye.