Episode 23: Healing from an Abusive Relationship and CPTSD - Emmy Marie
On today's episode of Pain to Passion Live is a conversation with the beautiful and amazing Emmy Marie, who is a certified trauma-informed life coach and a trauma survivor.
She shares her story of being in an abusive relationship for several years, and how that affected her life after getting out. Her process of healing is so real and vulnerable, and I know it's going to resonate with many of you. She also shares how she ended up doing the work she does now, and how it was such a natural outworking of her own healing process.
We also talked about how healing isn't something you do and then it's done, but instead how it is an ongoing, layered process, and how there's no shame in continuing to seek help even after you've done a lot of work, and even when you are a trauma-informed practitioner yourself. Having resources from outside of you to help you see things from a new perspective and to continue to learn and grow is so incredibly helpful as well as healing.
Emmy also explained how it can be challenging to go from being in a very dysfunctional, abusive relationship into a secure, safe one. She talked about how this can feel boring or even scary to our systems that have become so used to chaos. She had some really valuable insights about the process of learning to feel comfortable in the safe relationship she is in now, and how we can help our systems to move forward into healthy relationships without fear.
You will get so many amazing nuggets from this episode! I can't wait to hear what you think.
And as always, if you are enjoying the podcast, please take a moment to rate an review. It helps SO MUCH, I cannot over-express how helpful it is. Thank you!!
More about Emmy Marie:
Emmy Marie is a certified trauma-informed life coach and NARM pracitioner who specializes in helping clients create thriving lives and relationships after trauma. As an abuse survivor herself, Emmy understands the devastation trauma can have on our lives, and is committed to helping as many people as possible access their power and heal from trauma. She supports clients in her 1:1 coaching program, as well as through courses, a monthly membership community, and speaking engagements. She is based in Oregon, USA, but sees clients virtually all over the world!
Connect with Emmy:
Instagram - @bloomingwithemmy
Tik Tok - @bloomingwithemmy
Website - emmymarie.com
Connect with Gabi:
Instagram - @gabiruth
Facebook - facebook.com/gabiruth84
TikTok - @gabiruth84
Website - gabiruth.com
(TRANSCRIPT) Ep. 23: Healing from an Abusive Relationship and CPTSD - Emmy Marie
Please Note: Transcript is crated by AI - please excuse errors.
Gabi: Hey, my friends. Welcome back to Pain to Passion Live. I'm super stoked because I get to talk to the beautiful and amazing Emmy Marie today. Um, I have been following her for a couple years on. Instagram, which has been so fun. We'll talk about that some more cuz I've been like thinking about just your growth and um, all that I've seen happening over in your area of influence.
It's pretty incredible. But she is amazing. Thank you for being here today, my
friend.
Emmy: Thank you so much. Yeah, what a, what a nice, warm welcome. I am really grateful for that and yeah,
happy to be here, .
Gabi: Awesome. Well, I am excited to dig deep and kind of hear more of your story, but I'd love for you, I have gone away from reading bios because I have found that when people introduce themselves, it gets a little juicy.
Get some good little tidbits in there. So why don't you just tell us a little bit about who you are, what you do, all that
fun stuff.
Emmy: Sounds good. Yeah. So I am Emmy, um, I am a trauma informed coach and li uh, Nam practitioner. So I primarily help people with, um, some sort of hardship in their history, whether it was like abuse or neglect or something that they wouldn't quite use those terms for, but have led them to having a difficult.
In their relationships or with their, um, the way they relate to themselves or in their career or having some sort of obstacles. So I, you know, try to do my best to help people with a trauma informed lens that really understands how our past experiences can impact our present and our future. Um, and, you know, using a non-judgment, very compassionate space to help people reconnect to their own sense of power and agency in their life.
So I do that, and then I create a lot of courses. I, um, create a lot of content for Instagram and TikTok, and I'm just really passionate, um, about sharing, you know, my experiences of being a C P T S D survivor of abuse. That has come a long way from where I used to be. Um, and kind of using my experiences and training to help as many people as I can through social media.
And then obviously the work that I do. And I live in Portland, Oregon. I have a partner who is my fiance and, um, a dog named Bernie that I love. And yeah, I work, I work from home doing my own business full-time. Um, and I like, you know, going outside and reading books and eating and cooking in my spare time.
Um, but yeah, that's
me.
Gabi: I love it and I love that I have another West Coast person on Zoom with me today cuz usually I feel like I'm talking to people on the east coast. I feel that. So this is exciting cuz I'm in Spokane and you're in Portland. It's like, yeah, .
Emmy: Yeah. Right. And not even a Californian either.
We're both in the northwest, so. Yes.
Gabi: Yay. PNW Awesome. Well, and like I said, I've been, I've been following your work now for a couple of years and I have just noticed like such a beautiful. Growth like and you personally, what you share. But it's been amazing just to see how your influence has grown.
Thank you. Like, yeah. Um, even just over the course of the past year, I know you've shared a little bit of like your evolution even between 2021 and 2022. Yeah. And I'd love for you to share about that. Sure. But it's been really cool to see how your authenticity and your willingness to keep growing. Um, changing and healing yourself has just expanded your influence.
Thank you. Thank you. So I love that. I think it's amazing. But first, before we dive into that, I'd love to just hear a little bit about like your personal story and what brought you to this work, because I love to lift up people's stories here and the whole purpose of like pain to passion. Something happened, right?
But here you are doing this work, helping so many people heal. So what was that journey like for you? Yeah.
Emmy: Yeah. So, um, as I kind of mentioned earlier, I am an abuse survivor. So for me, that experience happened when I was a teenager in high school. And it was my first kind of real relationship. And going into it, I was something, someone who was, um, I guess a hopeless romantic, uh, I don't know, obsessed with.
Very anxious attachment style. Just like desperately wanting to find someone who like really saw me and just have some sort of experience like was represented in movies such as The Notebook. I was obsessed with that. Um, So I was really primed and ready to like fall super hard. And if anyone here is familiar with kind of the cycle of abusive relationships at the beginning, there's often a lot of love bombing when someone just is this perfect person for you, that you couldn't even fathom how much they love you.
And this can happen to people in their twenties, thirties, whatever, any age, and it can. Really deceiving, but let alone being a teenager when you are not wise, you know, you are brand new to this kind of experience, your hormones are raging on top of it all. Mm-hmm. and you really have no prior life experience to compare it to.
So I was just like, oh my God, like all my dreams are coming. True. Everything is amazing. I'm so in love with this guy. Um, and then after about three months, which is also kind of like textbook, uh, subtle forms of abuse started coming in with a lot of kind of like. Little degrading comments here and there.
Um, suspicion, kind of like controlling behavior that started really small and really to me was kind of just an indication of like, oh, he just cares about me so much and loves me so much, so he's a little controlling. Or like, oh, you know? Yeah. That was like a mean, hurtful comment that it was just a joke, you know?
Mm-hmm. , there was always excuses to be made cuz it wasn't outright like physical violence or like screaming or like anything really dramatic. Right. So as one might imagine this started to just kind of deepen and evolve as our relationship went on. And so it was very like high highs, low lows. Um, and I just, over the course of three years, got very used to being treated like an object or like someone that doesn't really matter.
Coupled with constantly being told that I am, you know, he's the only one that will ever love me. No one will ever get me like he does. You know, I need him like feeding all of these messages to appeal to like my attachment and my, you know, the love that I did feel for him coupled with just escalating and horrible abuse.
Yeah. Um, so that went on, you know, basically the end of freshman year to the end of senior year of high school. So I became progressively more and more like incredibly mentally ill, just like constantly anxious. depressed in equal measure and really just was blaming myself for everything because that's the only thing I knew how to do.
Yeah. Um, and on the surface I was just pretending to be fine. I was still doing really well in school. So there wasn't like those classic warning signs of like, you know, she's failing at school or like really struggling. Like, I kept up this really, uh, happy persona that kind of, A lot of people, um, you know, a couple people broke through and my parents eventually figured it out, but never understood, you know, quite the level that it was at.
Yeah. So that's, you know, a summary of that experience. Um, I was able to finally leave, uh, in March of 2013, so at the end of my senior year, and then I really. Kind of flung myself out into the world and did not know what trauma was, didn't know anything I was supposed to do other than be happy cuz it's over.
Yeah. And really authentically, I was kind of just in this mode of like euphoria, like, and I've talked to other survivors who can relate to this, where right after you might not feel traumatized, you might just feel so happy and so relieved that it's. So that was my experience. Um, I went to college. I moved to the Northwest, um, for college and just tried to pretend none of that ever happened.
I was heavily reliant on, you know, drugs and alcohol for just having fun. You know, I didn't consider myself an addict, but I was, you know, it's a part of the college lifestyle anyways, but I'd already learned that was a way for me to cope in the relationship I was in. I was already doing that, so, mm-hmm.
kind of just went with that. Really just ended up not having any relational skills and being like deeply disorganized, um, attachment style wise. Mm-hmm. and kind of chasing after emotionally unavailable guys and running from anyone who was like truly supportive or secure. Um, and that ended up. Getting me in another relationship at the end of my freshman year of college.
So about a year later. That was, um, I describe as toxic. I think, you know, sometimes the behavior in there was abusive, but more so, I think it was just very dysfunctional, very misaligned, where I was desperately needing someone to try to complete me or give me feelings. Validation and support and love that I was desperately craving.
Uh, cause I had done absolutely no work on myself or therapy or anything. Uh, and he was very, you know, emotionally unavailable, uh, cold and just distant. Hmm. Um, and then, you know, there was some aspects of it that crossed the line, but, uh, I was in that relationship for two years. Definitely wasn't happy, but just kind of was gaslighting myself the whole time.
And to say gain, well, he doesn't yell at you, he doesn. Call you horrible names most of the time he doesn't force you to have sex with him every day. So it's not that bad. It could be so much worse. Um, it's fine, you know, I'll take what I can get, which is a really common experience of sort of settling for scrap because yeah, we all want to be loved.
Um, but especially if you're someone that has this sort of like disorganized or anxious attachment style, you might be desperately feeling like you need someone to complete you. So that went on for two years. And then I finally, once again, had sort of the breakthrough moment where I broke up with him.
And then a couple months later is when my complex trauma symptoms really kicked in because I was finally at a place where I wasn't like constantly triggered. Um, I was like in a safe environment, uh, you know, not in one of these toxic relationships that really kept me occupied. And so all the symptoms from the original relationship.
Came and presented themselves. So, um, for me personally, I experienced a lot of paranoia, anxiety, depression, uh, flashbacks, nightmares, a lot of like emotional dysregulation and really intense feelings of shame. Um, and so that went on. I started dating someone, my current partner, we've been together for like six and a half years, and at the beginning I was just, I am a terrible person.
I don't deserve you. There's something wrong with me. Like, why are you so nice to me? You know, really just like I don't understand how, yeah. Like I could be in a healthy relationship. Mm-hmm. . Um, so yeah, like I mentioned, that was kind of around 2016. I eventually started going to therapy because I like couldn't function as well or like, you know, uh, I'd had days where I certainly couldn't function and I was like, okay, fine.
I guess this is a thing that I need help. So thank God I went and got help. Yeah. Um, alongside therapy, I started just deep diving into lots of different books about trauma recovery as well as kind of like. Mindfulness and spirituality and just trying to find anything that would make me feel better.
Mm-hmm. and I eventually moved to California and kind of just needed to have this like hermit mode where I, you know, I had a couple friends. I didn't really know anyone, and I just spent a lot of time with myself, like actually tending through myself after so many years of like, Living for other people or chasing other people.
Mm-hmm. . Um, so that just felt like kind of a sacred time for me during it, it was very difficult cuz I was dealing with all these symptoms. But um, yeah, I was kind of doing the work and then around 2019 I moved here to Portland and I started reaching a place where, um, I really wanted to kind of share my experiences.
Other people. So I kind of started posting on Instagram about like different, um, things I would learn or experiences I was having, or like creativity, artistic, reflection, self-expression. And after a few months of doing that, like every day just as kind of my like journal, um, I started kind of building a small following and finding other people that were doing similar things.
Mm-hmm. and feeling. Oh, like, I'm not alone. Like this is fantastic because I have felt like I'm the only one who has ever gone through this for so long. Yeah, yeah. Um, so yeah, kind of built a community there and then over time started, uh, really building a following. And then in 2020 with like C O V D and everything, , I started realizing that coaching exists and there was ways that I could help other people with my writing and with my ability to hold space, um, without being a therapist, which I kind of thought was the only way.
Yeah. So I got trained and certified, um, throughout the year as a trauma-informed coach, and then later on a NAM practitioner and yeah, just build my own business doing this and it's felt incredibly natural and. Unbelievably aligned. Um, and as someone that came from, I was doing environmental science work before this mm-hmm.
and that's what my college degree is in that I, I love being outside and I love, you know, the environment and I care about, you know, things like climate change, but I don't have like the scientific brain. I'm more of like a people person and I'm very like, I guess emotionally intelligent, it feels kind of weird to brag about whatever , but, uh, that is one best No, you totally are.
Is being emotionally intelligent. Mm-hmm. , and I think a lot of trauma survivors can relate to having like a high level of empathy and ability to sit with people and like be with the real stuff, so. Mm-hmm. , um, yeah. I'm just like incredibly grateful to get to do this work and have a, be a way to Yeah.
Transform my experiences and help others and yeah. So, yeah. That's my story. . Yeah.
Gabi: Well, thank you so much for sharing. I think absolutely. Like you even said upfront, like even people in their twenties, thirties, forties, yeah. Were all looking for love, like and for something or someone to complete us. Right?
And without having the knowledge base to understand like your own value and your. Um, ability even to show up in the world, like as yourself, you can go your whole life living like that. Totally. And yes, of course, as a teenager there's so many other things at play, just developmentally and all of that, but.
that's, I think that's probably why, part of the reason why you resonate with so many people of all different ages is because it's just relatable and Yeah, a lot of the time it is. I know it is unfortunate because a lot of us do end up in these relationships that really are not serving us, but we don't know any better.
Right? So I think it's pretty amazing to just see. . First of all, I'm so glad that you made it . Thank you. Like that you made it through. Thank you. Thank God that you're here today, . And, um, just the tenacity that it took to recognize like, okay, I need help and to go and find the help. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I'd be curious to know like, What was that like for you?
Because I have a lot of people ask me like, how do I find the right therapist? How do I get the help that I need? How, what did you do? What really drove you to say like, yes, I need to
get this help?
Emmy: Yeah, that's a great question. Um, it's very hard for me to remember that time cuz once again, I think. Trauma does really interesting things with your memory.
And then I was also, you know, definitely using alcohol as a coping mechanism and mm-hmm. , smoking weed and stuff. But for me, the, the original therapist I got was recommended to me by a friend who really liked her. Um, so I reached out, but I've had, you know, four or five therapists since then with all my moving and mm-hmm.
you know, trying new modalities. My strategy is using psychology today. They have a really great directory of therapists and spec, like using the filters to find someone who has specialized in trauma mm-hmm. , um, and then kind of going on their website or going on their little profile and just reading what they say and seeing like, does that resonate with me?
Does that sound like a good match? Um, and then definitely doing like a consultation to see, um, you know, if you vibe with them and you know, if it sounds like a good. I think if you start reading books about trauma recovery, you will start, or, you know, consuming content like mine or therapists or whatever.
Um, you start kind of getting, you learn more language about trauma recovery, so you might learn. Stuff like the nervous system states or trauma responses or attachment styles or stuff like that. And so you can see if like you bring those topics up if the therapist, you know, is like, oh yeah, like I specialize in that, or you know.
So I think the more you learn a little bit for yourself, the easier it can get. Mm-hmm. . But when it comes to kind of like that obstacle to getting help, um, I think since now I am a helping practitioner who has a therapist who's had multiple coaches, who like, has had body workers. Like it's something that I have to kinda like rewind and remember the resistance to doing it because mm-hmm.
for me, it's like, I, I'm so grateful for those people and I'm just like, I am paying you to hold space for me. And like that feels really mutually. Good. I guess like I don't feel shame about it. I don't feel guilt or anything. Um, but I would say just kind of remember that like, you know, when you have a car issue, even if you're a mechanic, you might take it too.
Okay. That's a bad example. But most of us aren't mechanics. So if you have a car issue, you're probably gonna go take your car to a mechanic because you're like, yeah, sure. I could try to DIY. And like watch YouTube videos, but odds are a professional is going to be able to support me in this process much better than I can myself.
Mm-hmm. . So it's kinda the same thing. It's like we can't be expected to hold space for our own trauma. Mm-hmm. , like I am a trauma practitioner and I go to therapy because you know, you can know all the tools in the world, but the therapeutic relationship of having someone sit with you and offer that kind of compassionate space.
Mirror back what you're feeling or Yeah, just offer kind of a safe regulat. Person, uh, that is really invaluable. Uh, and it's hard to, you know, when I'm even talking to prospective clients, try to put the value on that because I can tell you all the things I can teach you or all the things I know, but it's actually the relationships that can be the most healing thing.
Totally. When you've had so many destructive relationships in the past. Mm-hmm. . So those are some words of support I can offer. Um, and also know, , if you're looking for a therapist or considering it, um, it's okay if it takes time and, you know, um, I'm proud of you for, for doing that. Yeah. If it takes courage.
Gabi: Absolutely. It, it really, really does. And you actually, it made me think, cuz you mentioned earlier how in college, like you didn't even know what to do with the idea of being with a securely attached person. Right. Like you obviously didn't have language for that. Yeah. But it can be, like you said, having a compassionate.
Regulated witness, someone that's with you Yep. Is very healing. Yeah. And in the context of therapy, you kind of expect that. Yeah. But can you tell me why someone might resist someone like you would resist being in a relationship with someone who's secure?
Emmy: Yeah. Great question. Um, love talking about this because for me, not knowing why just made me.
I am broken. Mm-hmm. , and I am, you know, bad and there's something wrong with me. And so the simplest way to put it is like our brains and our bodies correlate safety with what is familiar. So if you are really familiar with very chaotic, dysfunctional relationship patterns from your family and or a partner or work or wherever you're.
If you're used to like high highs, low lows, like generally dysfunction or like constantly being emotionally neglected or physically neglected or constantly being harmed or abused, it's like you can very logically and it body somatically know that you don't want that anymore and you want something stable and you want to feel peace, but.
Like just that will to want peace doesn't make it comfortable because we are so used to surviving in the chaos and dysfunction. Yeah. That if you meet someone, like even a friend or a new coworker or, or a partner, um, that is safe and stable, it can feel super off. It can feel unfamiliar and wrong. Um, and so that might lead you to pushing them away if you're more on the avoid.
Side of things and you're just like, Nope, you are boring. Or like, I don't get you what this is. I'm gonna work mm-hmm. , and then you might run head first towards someone who is super chaotic and kind of bringing back old patterns that you're used to. Um, yeah. So that's kind of a simple explanation for why Yeah.
Gabi: That's a good explanation. And you don't, you have no idea what your role is gonna. Right. Where you're like, who am I supposed to be here? Yeah, exactly. And that's terrifying cuz you're so used to playing like this part, you know how to keep the peace and chaos like, right, right. That's my skillset and you don't need my skillset.
So what am I
supposed to do with you right now?
Emmy: Right? Yeah, yeah. I know. And it's like really disorienting and I feel like that's kind of a similar experience that I've been having with, um, work as well. Mm-hmm. or like, I can see that happening with people too. If you are used to putting out fires all the time, being in a high stress environment, and then you get into a different job or a different living situation or a different lifestyle that is more calm and peaceful, it can feel really like anxiety provoking and just like the other shoe is gonna drop, like this cannot last.
Like this isn't safe. Like even going on a vacation and you're like, I can't relax, like I cannot do it. . It's not cuz you're broken or like, you know, this is always gonna be this way. It's just like new things that are unfamiliar can be really dysregulating. Um, especially when you have trauma or mm-hmm. , um, yeah.
Past experiences like that. Yeah.
Gabi: Yeah. Like we have to show ourselves so much compassion. Mm-hmm. and different things are gonna keep showing up years down the road where you're like this
again.
Emmy: Yeah, yeah. Right. Such a good point. Yeah. Mm-hmm. .
Gabi: But to have those. to know like, I can change the way that my body is responding to this.
I just like need to work through that, which I know is the tools that you give to so many people, but it brings me to like, , just some of what you've been sharing about your past couple of years, whatever you're comfortable with sharing about that. I'd love to know because it's really encouraging. I think even for me, it's encouraging, you know, we do all this work and we're in this space of helping other people recover and understand trauma language and all of those things.
Yeah. And. You know, I'll hit a wall where I am struggling with something again. Sure. I'm like, what the heck? Yeah. But it's part, it's such a normal part of the process and I think the way that you've normalized that has been really awesome. Thank you. Um, so can you share a little bit just the, your evolution of the past year and a half or
so?
Emmy: Yeah. Yeah. Great. Well, I think, yeah, like coupled with that, not exactly answering your question, but just kind of speaking to the facts that. Isn't linear healing is very spiral and kind of layered. Mm-hmm. , where I still am like very resistant to the language of fully healed or saying mm-hmm. , I had C P T S D and now I don't.
Right. Because while I don't resonate with like the majority of the symptoms anymore, I feel like at this point my trauma has become sort of a form of neuro divergence where mm-hmm. , where I will always have to deal with my brain and my body being a little bit. , and maybe that's not true. Maybe when I'm 40 or 50, I truly will be completely regulated and like a normal person that never was traumatized.
But at this point, it's been very helpful for me to just, um, accept that, yes, like my nervous system was very much altered because I was, went through developmental trauma that was very severe. Mm-hmm. . Yeah. And like that's okay. And it's okay. It comes back or you get a big trigger outta nowhere or you deal with symptoms that you think you got over?
I think so much about the culture that we live in, at least here in the United States, is focused on moving forward and progressing. And that's even within the nature of capitalism is like the more, the better. Like constantly consuming more and more and improving all the time. Mm-hmm. . And so if you were someone living with a chronic illness, a mental illness, a physical illness, something that.
It's complicated and not like you can't treat with a antibiotic and it's gone. You know, it can feel so shameful to have to keep tending to yourself after years and years and years, and especially when it's mental and you think I should be over this by now. Mm-hmm. , that's not the way trauma works. That's not the way a lot of illnesses work in general, so,
Um, I think giving compassion for myself has been one of the, yeah, most pivotal things to ultimately feeling better and healing because I'm not forcing and pressuring myself to get over it at a rate that isn't authentic or possible. Um, but yeah, as far as the last year and a half go, I think some of the biggest shifts I've made were, so I started this business in 2020.
Right now we're talking of 2023, and when I set out, I was like, incredibly. Um, excited and eager and doing a lot of, you know, business education through the form of like masterminds and courses and really just like hyper fixating on the business. Mm-hmm. . Um, and all the effort and the will and the determination I put into it combined with my privilege as someone that was able to, you know, make a career switch like, Worked like it, it, my business took off from the moment I launched it.
I was able to make a sustainable income and, you know, support myself. And throughout 2021 I was kind of just on that track and like constantly going through patterns of burning out and having really successful launches and feeling absolutely. Satisfaction whatsoever. And just like on the cycle of chasing more success or you know, thinking if I get this income level or if I have this sustainable, whatever, like income mm-hmm.
then I will be happy and. I reached e every goal that I had, and I never felt happy. Wow. Like I would have fleeting moments and here's what's, you know, during doing the actual coaching work, I loved it. Mm-hmm. , because if I think if I didn't, then I would be like, okay, this isn't right for me. But I love the work that I do.
It was just like when I was marketing things or selling or launching or doing all that stuff that comes with entrepre. I was just kind of always anxious. Yeah. And like waking up with feelings of dread and like all this stuff. And so at the end of the year of 2021, um, . I started seeing a naturopath and we did some testing of my hormone levels.
Mm-hmm. . Cause I was also having really bad PMs, possibly pm d d. Yeah. So with that, uh, the results back or my cortisol levels were like super high. Wow. Um, in the morning, uh, which would lead to that feeling of dread, like from the moment I woke up just feeling so anxious and. So I got on some medication and supplements to treat that, and also did a lot of work with my therapist around like, um, you know, trusting the unknown, which is a huge thing for all the survivors listening that can be incredibly difficult.
And I felt like when I started my business, all my life was so incredibly secure that I could handle the unknown of entrepreneurship. Um, But yeah, I think that was the main thing that was constantly making me anxious and unsatisfied was you are always generating your own income with, as an entrepreneur.
Um, and so there's just a lot of unknown mm-hmm. and I just was not able to tolerate that. And so with the kind of dual like body and, you know, mental health treatment that I was working through, um, 2022. I just had like a major shift where I had, you know, my first launch in March that I was not freaking out every day.
Like, wow, you know, I had moments of anxiety, like, of course, but it was remarkable and I kept kind of waiting for like, okay, when are you gonna start spiraling? Um, I didn't. And so it was just like, I can't believe this is happening. Smile. And I took off a month of work to go to Europe, um, which was phenomenal and so grateful to be able to do.
And, you know, once again, I didn't freak out. I was able to tolerate, you know, taking time off, which was another thing that was really hard for me. The first year and a half was like, I could not take time off. I like was constantly thinking about emails and marketing and posting and whatever. Yeah. So, Yeah, 2022, I think I kind of built a lot more, more resilience, intolerance for holding space for the, the unknown and the concept of being an entrepreneur.
Mm-hmm. . Um, and I'm just like, just kinda baffled by it because I know, like my therapist constantly reminds me like, girl, like you have been doing this work. This didn't just fall into your lap. But it really just felt, I feel now, like I'm at a level of mental health. , I really never thought I'd get to, um, oh, you know, I'm, I'm just, yeah.
Like I I 2022 was like the best year of my life, I believe, since I was a child, and maybe better than that. And it's like, that feels really weird to say, but it's true. So yeah, that's kinda the big shift I had in the last year and a half and I'm, yeah, trying not to hold too tight to it and be like, this is gonna leave you, it's.
Okay. Like the work paid off like, oh my god.
Gabi: Yeah. Oh my gosh. It works. . Mm-hmm. .
Emmy: That's very exciting.
Gabi: That is so encouraging, actually. I think it's very, very cool that you kind of got to that place. And I would be curious to know, like for 2023, what are some of the things that you've put in place for yourself to kind of maintain this level of mental
health?
Emmy: Hey. Yeah, that's a good question. Um, Well, I think, you know, continuing to stay on my treatment plan, even when I'm like, do I need these supplements? You know? Mm-hmm. , like, I'm like, Nope. Keep buying them like they are working for your body. Mm-hmm. . So stuff like that, um, is for sure a thing. Mm-hmm. , um, I've really leaned into my creative side and like tried to give myself more space for play.
Um, and I've also really leaned into like real. Friends connections. Yeah. I think that's another thing that I was really deprived of as we all were mm-hmm. , most of us with Covid. Yeah. Was, um, just not seeing anyone. I have, I'm always like a 50 50 introvert extrovert on the quizzes. Mm-hmm. . But with Covid, my introvert needs are met working from home.
I got my alone time, I have my nice mornings by myself, whatever. Um, my extrovert needs were like really like depleted. I'm just not being met. So luckily I met some more friends and I've been able to like, make more plans to like hang out and see people more often. Which I think is really critical for me cuz I am so I can get so obsessive, so ambitious, Enneagram three kind of energy.
Mm-hmm. for anyone who knows what that is. Just like really focused on work and success and doing the most mm-hmm. . And so I need to be aware of that and find ways for me to just create and play and have fun instead of being so. Dialed into work, so mm-hmm. , continuing with that. Um, yeah, I have some really exciting trips planned for this year.
We're getting married, so we're going on a honeymoon. Yay. Doing a bachelorette party. Um, so stuff like that. And then, yeah, I, I do have, you know, my work kind of planned and this is what should be a sustainable way with. , the balance of one-to-one clients and courses and like my membership community and stuff like that.
So yeah. But I, I mean, both last year and this year I lowered my money expectations from 2021. Um, and so I made 20% less, um, which is pretty significant, but was like a thousand percent happier. So, Hey. Good. It's a good trade off. It's so great. It's definitely worth it. Oh my God. Yeah, absolutely. It's a big thing to learn
Yeah.
Gabi: So great. And I think it is true, like we, we all need to get back to being able to focus on in-person like real people. Yeah. Um, and I'm grateful for the technology that we've had the last few years to be able to connect us with people and keep us less lonely, but we've lost. Somewhat, some of those skills of like, oh, like let's interact with human beings.
And I know for our nervous systems and just for our mental health in general, being with an actual person Yeah. Is a big deal. So that was a takeaway for me for sure. Is like, yeah. Leaning into that this year is gonna be very, very important. And congratulations on getting married. Thanks. That's really exciting.
I know you guys. Done a lot of work. Yeah. To just stay together and like, what has that experience been like for you? Just going from all this toxicity to someone who's safe and
secure?
Emmy: Yeah. Great question that I talk about a lot and I'm happy to touch on. Of course. Um, yeah. So I had to do just like an incredible amount of work to not just flee mm-hmm.
or, you know, hate myself as a coping mechanism or whatever. Like I had to find a way. Rework all these thoughts that I was having about myself from really shameful to, you know, based in like self-acceptance, self-love, compassion. Um, so yeah, I, we were long distance for almost two years when I moved to California and that was really critical for me to just kind of get some space to myself and not just like, merge myself with another person.
And I'm really grateful that he was willing. Make that work. Yeah. Um, and then we moved to Portland at the same time, approximately, and then we moved in together a couple months after that. Um, and yeah, I feel like the biggest things I've had to learn are how to be direct and name what I'm needing instead of just anticipating him to read my mind.
And I feel like that's a big thing for folks who come. Any kind of like anxious or codependent like family structures or relationships is like realizing that while I might be able to read and predict and even over predict what someone needs from me and Overgive, other people don't live like that and they, you know, aren't as, um, enmeshed with people that they love mm-hmm.
So, which is very healthy. Um, so I've really learned a lot from him of how. , yeah. Just name what I'm needing. And I think that's a really big communication skill. Um, and yeah, like we've had to go through lots of stuff when it comes to like physical boundaries, intimacy, and like me, when I was in, you know, really hard times and just like, I can't be touched.
Like I'm so triggered by everything. Mm-hmm. , you know? Yeah. Um, working through that, like, you know, reaffirming, finding other ways for like emotional intimacy and connection that aren't always like physical. Um, and then, yeah, like. Finding. I mean, I think a strong suit we've always had is like having fun together and like being best friends.
Like that's one of those things that it's like we always like each other. Um, you know, obviously there's times when we're like annoyed with each other, but, you know, we're, we're not that like hot and cold couple that I used to be in where it was like passionate love, quote unquote. Mm-hmm. and destructive.
Upset. It's very stable. And so I've had to learn how to tolerate that and be like, it is safe and it is not boring to be stable like it is good. And if you need a little drama in your life, there is so many TV shows and books, , you can go get those needs met or you can listen to your friends talk about their dating life or whatever.
Um, you don't need to create chaos in your relationship to be fulfilled. Um, so what. Oh my gosh, . It's amazing. But I know, I like, I feel like it was so big for me to realize, like you can just read drama, like crazy stories, whatever, to cope with this desire for chaos. You don't have to Yeah. Instigate that.
Yeah. In your life.
Gabi: That's
a really good point actually. I've never heard someone like express that before because Yeah, it's true. It's not like, You can just turn off the switch of Right. Needing some kind of, I don't know, stimulation. Stimulation,
yeah.
Emmy: Yeah. Like, yeah. It's a thing. It's almost like an access need of, like, it reminds you a lot of folks with d h adhd, the way they talk about being understimulated.
Like, I don't have adhd, but I can definitely relate to that feeling of like, I'm just like, itchy for something could happen. Like I'm bored. You know? And it's like, okay, sometimes you need to find a healthy way to, mm-hmm. that needs met or like do something new that's kind of hard for you. Like a dance class.
Something that like puts you by your element. Like that can be a great way to Yeah. Like get a little like, ooh. Like a little drama or like Yeah. Healthy anxiety I guess. Or nervousness. Yeah. Um, but not like blow up your relationship Totally.
Gabi: And then be able to go home and just actually relax and breathe.
Like how amazing is that? I know, exactly. That's amazing. . Yeah, I'm sure. That your story encourages your clients a lot. Yeah, absolutely. It is really beautiful to see like that. It's possible to go from where you were to where you are and thanks. I just, I love that. That's a lot. I love that. Thank you so much.
Um, I would love for you to just share kind of like different ways people can work with you, what your programs are, how to get connected with you on Instagram, all that fun.
Emmy: Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Thanks. Um, yeah, so, uh, everything that I offer is hosted on my website, emmy marie.com, and you can find me on Instagram and TikTok at Blooming with Emmy.
Um, I have lots of stuff. I have free resources. I have a low-cost membership community. I have courses, I have free workshops, and I have one-to-one coaching. If you're looking for kind of that, um, high touch one-on-one. So yeah, head to my website. You can get all the details there and feel free to reach out if you are interested in working together in any capacity.
I'm happy to
chat.
Gabi: Awesome. Beautiful. And I'll be sure to include all of that in the show notes too. So if you're listening right now and you're like, I wanna know more about this girl and work with her, go click the links in the show notes and you can connect with her that way She does. Amazing, amazing content on Instagram.
Thanks. Um, so you'll be encouraged just by that and, um, it's been so fun just to follow you and get to know you through that medium and see the work that you're doing. I'm so grateful for the work that you're doing. I know you're impacting so many lives and what you're doing is important, mostly well, right.
Rebecca, very happy. Thank you friends. Good to you. Thank you. You know, it's really cool that we can use something that harmed us to help other people. Yes. Like I'm glad that you and I are healing personally, but just the fact that we're able to take that and help other people too is like just such a gift.
Yeah.
Emmy: Sounds great. Yeah, and I would love to just, yeah, offer something to people who are. Either, like, I would love to help other people, but I, that does not feel like even remotely possible for me right now. Or like, maybe don't have the inclination to help other people. Like, I just wanna remind you that you in no way have to use your trauma to help others.
Hmm. Um, I personally believe that if you. . First of all, we all have to focus on healing if we want to do anything. Um, absolutely. You know, whatever, like, so I, before I did all this, I was working intensely on healing while, you know, working a full-time job for years. Mm-hmm. . Um, and there is no moral value of the kind of work that I do compared to if.
for example, work on healing trauma and then you have kids and you break a cycle in your lineage. Mm-hmm. that is, can be just as powerful and incredible as me helping thousands of people, whatever. Yes. So I just wanna offer that, that like any effort you put into your healing work, even if it only benefits you, is incredibly important.
Mm-hmm. . And you deserve to be proud of yourself. And we are.
Gabi: 100%. I absolutely agree. Coming to be the most whole version of yourself is such a beautiful gift. No matter what it is you technically do, and it's going to just, I mean, it's gonna change your world, and that is so important because we all deserve to heal, right?
Yes. Yes. Absolut. Well, thank you for your time. Yeah. It's been such a joy chatting with you as always, and thank to you. Um, hopefully you'll be getting connected with some of these listeners and I'll just continue to cheer you on from the sidelines and watch what you're doing. And again, thank you for your time.
Emmy: Yes, thank you so much.
Gabi: See you soon. All right. Bye.
Bye.